I was having a good day. I was having a magnificent day. (Most) of the house is clean. I was at work, and everyone wore something St. Valentine's Dayish, and my class had a pajama party. I got to wear pajamas to work. Someone gave me a heart shaped doughnut. I had an issue I had to appear in court about. The case was dismissed. I returned to work with an hour left before I was off. I was going to have a party. In a few hours, my friends would fill my house, we would have vegetarian and not vegetarian food. We would drink champagne. I felt happy.
And then I got home. I checked my email, and there it was, a message from Ken. I am certain it was offered in kindness. I am sure it meant well, but I started bawling when I read it, and I hadn't bawled--straight up boo hoo snotted and cried like a baby, in a while.
It felt good not to cry. It felt amazing not to be consumed with anger and fear, especially the fear. I have been uber productive. Lovies, The Sunshine Abbey is officially launching on March 1st. In two weeks it will be up and running to meet your creative monk needs. I'm wildly excited. I've been busy.
What was I thinking? Did I really believe I wouldn't cry on my 15th anniversary, on the first anniversary in fifteen years I wasn't with Ken? And then I wiped my tears. I cried again, wiped them again, and shortly thereafter gratefully welcomed my guests. It was a simple affair, a room with people who have decided to love me, people who I have given myself to love. And isn't that like so much of life? There you are, quite simply, with the people who love you. They may not be who you thought they would be. Sometimes they're a ragtag group of ragamuffins who have little in common except a desire to live a life of love. Sometimes the people who love you are so common, so in your face, and in your life, that you almost forget how vital they are. They are the source that keeps you getting up. And when you can't get up, they are the ones who sit by the bed, or sometimes climb right in there with you.
I have a lovie I've known for many years. When she was sad about some boyfriend or another, I would tell her, "All the love in the world didn't go with him. There are so many ways to love." Tonight, I chose love in no small measure, but there were still unexpected tears.
St. John of the Cross said, "Where there is no love put love, and there you will find love." But I'm not a person with no love. I'm fortunate. I say, "Where there is love, grow it, and share it. And there will be enough love for us all." But love is tricky. You hold and release, and fill and watch it flow out of holes, there is the ebb of the tide, and then it comes back again, and far more scenarios than I can recount tonight.
Being here with you is growing love. I wanted you to know that. Love is here, in this strange and wonderful bit of cyberspace, and that's one reason I'm creating the abbey, to grow it, and share it with even more people. Let the Sun/Son shine!
I hope you will stay with me, and take this new, sacred creative journey. And my dear friends, have a happy Valentine's Day, even if you shed a few tears. There is so much love to be found, to be shared, and to be experienced.
Don't give up.