Thursday, November 04, 2010

Do I Need Quiet???

Years ago, when I was in love with religious "tracts," and passed them out--well--religiously, one with this poem by Alice H. Mortenson was a particular favorite of mine:

I Needed the Quiet

    I needed the quiet so he drew me aside
    Into the shadows where we could confide,
    Away from the bustle where all the day long
    I hurried and worried when active and strong.
    I needed the quiet tho at first I rebelled,
    But gently, so gently my cross he upheld,
    And whispered so sweetly of spiritual things,
    Tho weakened in body, my spirit took wings
    To heights never heard of when active and gay,
    He loved me so greatly he drew me away.
    I needed the quiet, no prison my bed,
    But a beautiful valley of blessings instead –
    A place to grow richer in Jesus to hide
    I needed the quiet so he drew me aside.

                                – Alice H. Mortenson
Sigh. I loved that poem so much,  but today it kinda makes me sad. My spirit has so not taken wings, though I wish it would, and fly me some place tropical. Like, really, really tropical.

I've got pink eye now. My restful week of homeschooling and a shortened schedule began with me working full time Monday and Tuesday because we were short staffed at the daycare, and going real easy on the homeschooling. Tuesday night I took a nap after dinner. I thought I would give Nia and I the luxury of sleeping a little later our first homeschool day on Wednesday. I'm telling you, I was absolutely fine when I went to sleep. Three hours later, I practically needed a crane to open my right eye. How in the world did that happen? And here I am, Thursday afternoon, having been turned away from every low cost clinic my tired little feet could take me to today, with one, pink, runny eye that feels like ground glass is lodged in it.

I don't think I've ever worked a job in which I've asked myself almost every week, "should I keep this job?" God knows I'm grateful for it. Jobs are hard to come by--or at least they have been for me. My boss really works with me. She's lovely in that regard (and many others), but I keep getting sick. No insurance complicates matters even more. Before I could pop over to the doctor and get meds, or an excuse, whatever. Now the requirement of a doctor's note takes me on an epic quest. I won't get into the details, but trust me, I've prayed several times today alone to know what the answer to my dilemma here is.

What could a job that keeps making me sick mean? Is there meaning in it? I don't want to go all "The Secret" on you, but I keep wondering if there is something I'm missing here--something simple and basic. Could this constant deluge of viruses, bacterial infections, yada, yada, yackety, smakety, be like a neon sign saying, "THIS IS NOT THE JOB FOR YOU!" Unfortunately, that would make me pursue it harder. Beat me up, and I'd keep coming back. Or rather, the old me would, until I was beat up a few too many times not to learn to say, "OW! THAT HURTS!"


What do you want me to do, God? Every time I think I know your will some dynamic changes. Knowledge of what you want can be slippery. I think I've got some insight firmly in my grasp, only to realize I've been holding on to air. Maybe the poem is right. Maybe all this madness in my life--marital discord, sickness, money problems, chronic pain--all of it swirls around the quiet at the proverbial eye of the storm.And I need the quiet so much heart (and body) ache needs to build on. 

What do you want, God? How do I find my place to grown richer in Jesus? Will you hide me in you, so at the very least, I can hear your voice? Will you help me do my job? I want to get better. I want to be well enough to write, and love, and heal, and mother, and teach, at work, and at homeschool. 

Lord, have mercy on me.

Help me.



Lisa said...

oh my. praying for you. and sending hugs.

Nancy J Locke said...

Prayers headed your way and what an amazing post!

Blessings, Nancy

PatriciaW said...

It may simply mean that your immune system was not prepared for this new environment. Every time one of my children changes schools, I brace myself for the onslaught. It lessens as they get older, but in the younger years, from infancy through about second or third grade, a new school environment filled with new kids and new germs is a sure recipe for frequent illness.

Build yourself up. Take Vitamin C and a good multivitamin. Drink lots of water--and then more water. Make sure you're getting enough sleep at night. This is a good starting point, although there are many more things you can do.

Hugs and prayers. Pink eye is the worst!

PatriciaW said...

Also, make sure you are washing your hands every chance you get. You can't do this enough working in a daycare. said...

wow just stumbled across your blog and your post is amazing, very wise and thought provoking.