Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Like a Weaned Child

I'm talked out. It's as if someone died suddenly, and I'm the one who has to tell everybody what happened. Over and over and over again. I'm trying so hard. In as much as I could, I've welcomed the anger, grief, bitterness, and pain, and found they're all things I've felt before. They pass. And I've welcomed gratitude, inasmuch as I can. I pulled on the big girl panties, and tried to ask the big girl questions, and maybe the biggest question of all: God, what do you want me to do? And I waited, listening for his answers. They seem to be, "take care of your health; take care of your children; trust Me." But really, it's hard to tell if that's God, or me.

I'm sick. Oh, Lord, I've said that so much lately that I rolled my eyes even to type it. When I couldn't drag myself out of bed today, despite a valiant effort, "take care of myself" was an easy choice. It was no choice. My body imposed a sabbath on me, and it was kinder than some. Cancer is the sabbath for a dear friend of mine. A heart attack for another. Last week suicide was my cousin's rest, or he thought it was. God have mercy on him. Poor Randy. I asked myself, "What is important?" This is vital! And I kept seeing my children, especially Nia Grace. I had to withdraw her from school last week because she was bullied and misunderstood so badly. She needs a mother so much right now, and God have mercy on me for asking if being a mother is more important than working a minimum wage job. I'm grateful for my job. Jobs are hard to get, and that one was, too. Here's irony, lovies. I take care of children. Do I sacrifice my own to do so? While I'm giving myself to the kids at the daycare center, four blocks away my daughter is at home, baffled, needing to homeschool, depressed, and sleeping her days away.

Who do I trust? Who is my provider? What is foolish? What is wise? What would love do in my circumstances?

The truth is, I can't hear God or my own answers to any of these questions unless I'm postured to hear. What do I need to even pray effectively? Lovies, Nia isn't the only one who needs a mother right now; I need one, too. I need God to be my Mother. At the moment, I'm overwhelmed by almost everything.

Psalm 131 is the scripture presently speaking to my heart:

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me."

In a way, I wish I were a suckling child, but I have to be a big girl now, but not too big! I'm still small enough to sit there with Mama, calm (finally), quiet, and trying my best to hear. Speak to me, Mama. Please.

I love you all. Thanks for being here.


Katy McKenna said...

SO amazing that God is speaking the same verses to you as He is to me! Doug and I wrote a song based on that Scripture many years ago and I found myself singing it all day today---and then I read it here. We've worded it like this:

Quiet me, quiet me, with Your love.
In quietness and confidence comes strength from above.
In quietness and confidence comes strength from above.

Lord, I depend on Your love for me,
And Lord, my heart is not proud.
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Gratefully my knees are bowed...

Chorus repeats.

It has a sweet, soothing melody like a lullaby. I am singing it for you, now.

ragamuffin diva said...

I can almost hear it. Thanks, my dear friend.

MaryAnn M said...

i will be believin that you will hear the God-Answers you need
and your dear Nia will feel God's arms when you can't be there...hugs.

bullying is wrong. wrong.
Love wins.

CeCe Wilson said...

Wow! I've asked myself some of those very same deep questions. My oldest boy is bullied too. He's only nine and almost knee-high to a grasshopper and he's brilliant (and knows it) and charming. Why anyone would want to torture a beautiful and sweet soul is un-human to me. I know the back and forth and the fear of wanting to do what is best but wondering. . . You are a strong, powerful and GOOD Mom, You are doing what is best because you are standing up (even when you can't) for your babies and that is what God asks. I'm praying for you and pouring out on your behalf. Much love to you, My Friend.