So, on Thursday I finally talked to Miss Sylvia, my boss. I talked to Miss Deonne first, to get my courage up. I should have so been fired weeks ago, but Miss Sylvia is oddly, extraordinarily kind to me (another example of God's grace). I told Miss Deonne about Nia, and the first thing she said to me was, "Your first call is to be a mother." Wow. Talk about hearing from God. Remember when I told you, right before I went to Xavier University, that my spiritual director told me to follow my desire? Well before I went to work on Thursday, I searched my heart as much as I could, and my desire was to protect who was most vulnerable in my present situation: my children. Following my desire was simple. I wanted to be with them, and help them to heal. But I also saw the value of working, and I also want to write. Badly. My desire is in all these things.
I wasn't sure how Miss Sylvia would react to this interest I have in working part-time. Daycare centers can be delicate in terms of balance. There have to be so many workers for so many children present at all times. Besides that, ideally, she needs a strong 2 year old teacher; that's why she hired me. Unfortunately I've been a hot mess. All the potential is there, but that's all I've been, potential. And there I was, in her office again, for yet another of my talks.
For the record, I've tried to be straight with her. I figured a no BS approach was best, come what may. But the thing is, I never knew what come what may would bring.
I always thank Sylvia for her generosity. I admit I'm problematic, and then I lay out what's going on. I told her simply that Nia needs me. Home life is messy for us Burneys right now, and I have to homeschool her. I just have to. I told her I want to continue to work, but unless I can go part time, either three days per week, or fewer hours per day, I couldn't stay with the center. Will wonders cease, lovies? She said I could work from 8 am-1 pm, Monday through Friday. Which is pretty perfect. All that worrying I did. Things are rarely as bad as you think they're going to be.
So, Nia will begin homeschooling on Monday. I'll give her a schedule and work to begin while I'm at the center, and when I get home we'll work together and I'll check over what she did while I was gone. I'll still put in enough hours at the daycare center to take care of many of our needs, plus those hours won't wear me out, and they'll give me more time to write. This is a big win, y'all. Yes, there will be less money, but I have a lot more peace about it. I believe God is in this decision.
I don't think everyone in my life will agree with my choice, but these are not people who are available to help me homeschool my child, or deal with the difficulties of our fractured homelife right now. In so many ways, scaling back at work is an act of faith, not just in God, who is slowly restoring my relationship with him that was sooooo damaged by the prolonged illnesses, it's also an act of faith in myself, in my ability to indeed homeschool, and be a good mother--CeCe, I haven't believed I was a good mother for a looooong time. It's an act of faith that I can have a good life--a godly life, when there is every bit of evidence to the contrary. Simplifying, and letting go and letting God, is an act of faith that, as my beloved friend Jon says, though awful things happen, we get better. We're supposed to get better.
I feel better. I really do.
I'll keep you posted.