Saturday, October 30, 2010

It's Rarely As Bad As You Thought It Would Be

So, on Thursday I finally talked to Miss Sylvia, my boss. I talked to Miss Deonne first, to get my courage up. I should have so been fired weeks ago, but Miss Sylvia is oddly, extraordinarily kind to me (another example of God's grace). I told Miss Deonne about Nia, and the first thing she said to me was, "Your first call is to be a mother." Wow. Talk about hearing from God. Remember when I told you, right before I went to Xavier University, that my spiritual director told me to follow my desire? Well before I went to work on Thursday, I searched my heart as much as I could, and my desire was to protect who was most vulnerable in my present situation: my children. Following my desire was simple. I wanted to be with them, and help them to heal. But I also saw the value of working, and I also want to write. Badly. My desire is in all these things.

I wasn't sure how Miss Sylvia would react to this interest I have in working part-time. Daycare centers can be delicate in terms of balance. There have to be so many workers for so many children present at all times. Besides that, ideally, she needs a strong 2 year old teacher; that's why she hired me. Unfortunately I've been a hot mess. All the potential is there, but that's all I've been, potential. And there I was, in her office again, for yet another of my talks.

For the record, I've tried to be straight with her. I figured a no BS approach was best, come what may. But the thing is, I never knew what come what may would bring.

I always thank Sylvia for her generosity. I admit I'm problematic, and then I lay out what's going on. I told her simply that Nia needs me. Home life is messy for us Burneys right now, and I have to homeschool her. I just have to. I told her I want to continue to work, but unless I can go part time, either three days per week, or fewer hours per day, I couldn't stay with the center. Will wonders cease, lovies? She said I could work from 8 am-1 pm, Monday through Friday. Which is pretty perfect. All that worrying I did. Things are rarely as bad as you think they're going to be.

So, Nia will begin homeschooling on Monday. I'll give her a schedule and work to begin while I'm at the center, and when I get home we'll work together and I'll check over what she did while I was gone. I'll still put in enough hours at the daycare center to take care of many of our needs, plus those hours won't wear me out, and they'll give me more time to write. This is a big win, y'all. Yes, there will be less money, but I have a lot more peace about it. I believe God is in this decision.

I don't think everyone in my life will agree with my choice, but these are not people who are available to help me homeschool my child, or deal with the difficulties of our fractured homelife right now. In so many ways, scaling back at work is an act of faith, not just in God, who is slowly restoring my relationship with him that was sooooo damaged by the prolonged illnesses, it's also an act of faith in myself, in my ability to indeed homeschool, and be a good mother--CeCe, I haven't believed I was a good mother for a looooong time. It's an act of faith that I can have a good life--a godly life, when there is every bit of evidence to the contrary. Simplifying, and letting go and letting God, is an act of faith that, as my beloved friend Jon says, though awful things happen, we get better. We're supposed to get better.

I feel better. I really do.

I'll keep you posted.



~Leslie said...

I so excited for you!! Have been 'away' for a good long while and have missed reading you! :D

I offer you any and all support, albeit long distance, in your homeschooling endeavor!

Praying for you! So glad to see God's hand on you and working things out before you. "Before they call I will answer, and while they are yet speaking I will hear. "

Much love to you my dear friend!

CeCe Wilson said...

Praise God! I know and always knew he was working things out on your behalf. By the way, I'm a certified teacher (elementary and soon to be middle school) and stay at home mom. I am offering my services to you if you need any help or lessons or whatever. Just ask :0)

CeCe Wilson said...

Ooops! Here's my contact information: Does KY have online virtual school like FL? Your daughter could still be enrolled as a public school student and get her books and materials for free, but she would just be doing all her work and working with a teacher online instead of in a face to face setting. It's worth a look. . .

Heidi Renee said...

good on ya mair - honesty really does help us - even though we feel so weak having to admit our need for help. proud of you! i would look into kentucky charter schools and see if any of them are online. when we lived in PA we got a computer, books, papers, crayons, a YMCA membership all on the public school dime. it was amazing. don't know the kentucky rules, but it rocked for us.

Renee said...

here is a link to KY homeschool regs:

Just be sure that your daughter is permitted to be home regularly during school days/hours without adult supervision; not sure how old she is.....

MaryAnn M said...

wow. i am tossin confetti and havin a party...God is so good.
win win!
even in the messy...God is with you.

Anonymous said...

Mair, Praise God, He is so good!!! I've been a homeschooling mom too. You can do it! I'll be praying for you as you continue on this journey. My own life has taken some "left turns" at unexpected points. Even though I knew God was right beside me, I thought I was lost. But God never was. He knows right where you are and where you are going.

Alison Strobel Morrow said...

Praise, praise, praise, praise, praise!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Jesus!! What a wonderful, wonderful outcome. I'm s happy and relieved for you. Big big hugs, and please let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

Tina F said...

I love your heart and your courage to share it. None of us ever feel like we are good mothers, but we just do our best. We follow that tug in our hearts that is ALL about our children and what they need. Good for you for following God in this and I'm praying for you.

GailNHB said...

To God be the glory! I pray that these next few weeks of transition go smoothly for all of you.

Grace and peace to you, my friend.

Adele said...

What a great step of faith!

Karen Kent-Campbell said...

Just came across your blog by accident (or actually Divine Providence!). I am really touched by this post. I am struggling with a few home things right now. Seeing your post encouraged me. Praising God for your new situation.