God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by it's seriousness.
Give me your hand.
--Rainer Maria Rilke, translated by Burrows and Macy
My gosh! Is it week 4 already? It seems like we've been doing this for a long time, but we have a long way to go, don't we. I have to admit. I'm woefully behind now, all my attention stolen by migraines and headaches. I knew it was really bad when I burst into tears at work and frightened my co-teacher. Fortunately it was during "Fun time" (what irony)--an indoor playground time. The children paid me no mind. My week was shaped by misery.
I've already told you about yesterday, and the message I heard as I was leaving that awful neurology clinic. This morning I awoke to a day with less pain than I've felt in weeks. I was not headache free, but it simply wasn't as bad as it has been. I went to the doctor at Kentucky clinic, and got pain medicine with nary a hitch. When I spent my bus money to fill prescriptions, a kind nurse gave me a dollar to get home. I had a lovely day at work, and for the first time in a long time someone said to me, Miss Claudia, are you losing weight? She could tell. I startled when I stepped on that same doctors scale that I stepped on and saw 204.6 lbs less than four weeks ago, and saw 195 lbs. With all this grace, I'm compelled to listen. With all the suffering, I was also compelled to listen. The good stuff just makes it a little easier. Well, a head that doesn't hurt so bad makes it easier.
Our memory verse this week is Proverbs 1:33: "But he who listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of evil." I don't know about you, but I sure do need to commit that one to memory! We are going to begin to learn to listen to our body's signals for hunger and fullness and record them. And the difference between hunger and thirst.
I must say, I'm on a new medicine, and it makes my mouth very, very dry. I feel thirsty all the time. So it will be hard to gauge real thirst. Weight loss is also a side effect of this drug. That may account for my glorious success! But I've truly been eating less, and trying to move more. It's not the most heroic effort ever, but just cutting my portion sizes, and making sure I eat small, frequent, more healthful meals has changed my life. It isn't just the medicine. In fact, the last time I took this med, I didn't lose a pound!
Anyway, here we are really being mindful as we eat, letting our meal become a contemplative, meditative experience. I wish you all could eat with my friend Terry. She has a real gift for this. I bet she makes Jesus so happy every time she feeds someone.
Okay, I'm off to my bestest friend Evette's wedding this weekend. Gotta pack. Be good to yourselves, and keep listening. I'll try to do the same.