Monday, September 20, 2010


So, I started this job at the end of August. I actually really like the job, but here's the thing. Since I've been working--three weeks and one day, and pardon my graphic details--I've had a bladder infection so bad I peed a horror movie; that's one day off; a debilitating migraine; a half day off; went out of town for a trip I planned prior to getting the job (and I got sick there); a day off for travel; the sickness turned into a sinus and ear infection; two days off; had a bad reaction to the antibiotics I took for said sinus and ear infection; more than half a day off; which caused me to get sick and dehydrated, and yesterday I had another debilitating migraine in which I almost fainted on the job in a classroom with four one year olds. My co-workers called the paramedics, so I went to the ER; another day off! Do the math, lovies! And I still have a headache! I still feel sick, but at least I'm plenty hydrated now.

More naked truth: I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. I'm afraid I don't have a work to go to. I'll be tapped on the shoulder right after circle time and told, "This isn't working out." Trust me. I noticed. It's not working so great for me either!

I had an "episode" on Friday night/Saturday morning. I didn't sleep but an hour, and had a 7 am training to attend. All night I fought a monster of depression that insisted that I was too defective to do anything but write. "Defective! Defective! Defective!" it roared. "You can't work; this job is an epic fail, and you're going to get put out of your home again." I totally freaked out. I can't even tell you how bad it was. Seriously. I can't tell you, and I tell you a lot. Of course, I had a med change, and powerful antibiotics were wrecking havoc in my system, but you've gotta admit, all I described, back to back, that's just overload. I'm soooo tired. I want to help my family. I need to help my family, but this whole working thing is looking like an epic fail, and I'm feeling like an epic fail. I don't write that well, not enough to compensate for the potential loss of a job in a tough economy, even if it is minimum wage!

Oh, Lord. What am I gonna do? I spent the day in the hospital. I don't even know if I should go to work tomorrow or rest.


Thanks for listening to my rant.



Anonymous said...

Dear, dear, Mair,

My heart goes out to you. Don't let the enemy call you names! Jesus and Father do not call you a failure! They do not say you are unworthy. That is definitely a tactic of the enemy, old slewfoot.

It's very hard to work when you are sick and your body is frail. That does not mean you are a failure.

Perhaps you are called to write, not baby sit. And working at the childcare center is taking time and energy away from your writing, which is your ministry. Don't see writing as a failure, when God has given you this wonderful talent and open door for ministry.

Sometimes we want to help God out (I know I have been guilty) by taking on jobs to bring in money, when HE wanted me to be about his business and what he has called me to do and trust Him to provide for all my needs. It's not like you are refusing to work, sitting on your tushy and expecting God to drop money in your lap. Writing IS work! And the work you are called to do. Don't ever let anyone, not even yourself, call you a failure or unworthy!!!!


Grams said...

Hi Mair, Praying for you - especially that you can focus on the goodness and mercy of God - that you will recite all the good adjectives and actions about him, rather than rehearsing the negatives or problems or hurdles in this life. Must be time to sing Jesus Loves Me!

Grams said...

Steven Curtis Chapman said the following after his teen aged son accidentally ran over and killed their adopted daughter:“The only analogy I can come up with is this: it’s like God is an abstract artist... and when you're real close to a painting like this, it's hard to focus, it's blurred, and you can't see what's going on. You have to walk really far back, and then the whole painting comes into focus and you can see what the artist was doing. That's what this experience is like for us. We're just really, really close to this mess... but I think the farther we get away from it in time, the more we're going to see this picture come into focus. Man, it's a really big one too, so we'll have to walk pretty far away.” So, Mair - maybe you need to step back to get a clearer picture of your life. Seems right now your nose might be pressed right smack against the picture?!

Bella Scarlett said...

I know it may be difficult right now but you may want to consider that God has given you this job so you don't lose your home.

Your body is not used to the steady hours of work, most likely and the constant stream of germs that comes with working with children. Maybe give it a little more time, build up your immune system best as you can with good nutrition, proper rest, and see what happens. You'll know, in time.

Tracey M. Lewis-Giggetts said...

Praying, praying, praying. Remember who you are, Mair. No... who you REALLY are! Who God made you to be before all the stuff. Hold onto that and all of his other promises when that ole' stinkin' devil starts running his mouth. Hold on for dear life, hon. And while you're "yet holdin' on" watch yourself breakthrough even this. Praying, praying, praying.

Matthew said...

I want to say something positive, but I don't know what to say. I myself have been unemployed since March when I started to lose my mind due to anxiety/depression and had to quit. Now I find it hard to even think about a job let alone apply for it. My "generalized anxiety disorder" is pretty bad right now. All I can do is wish you the best. Just remember to take care of yourself and not push on yourself too hard.

CeCe Wilson said...

By man's standards the world says Jesus was a failure. Historians say He was unsuccessful because He was executed before he could attain some political/social status. But you and I both know that true "success" is not measured by man. I used to think a job outside of the home equaled going places and doing things and it hurt when I thought I "failed", but sometimes as someone else said earlier we have to step away and much farther back from (the picture) what everyone else thinks and even what we think and look to Jesus the Ultimate success story to see the whole picture. It doesn't feel good to feel like you're being labeled or to be labeled by others, but God has His labels too: beloved, honored, cherished, appreciated,worthy, precious, exalted, and most of all accepted.Please continue to press deeper in His Presence and don't let go until He blesses you. Praying for your victory and your peace. . . Much love and appreciation for who you are :0)

ragamuffin diva said...

I'm so grateful for all your prayers and comments. I'm telling you, it's made all the difference in how things are going. I'm surviving, and even hitting stride, though I have many challenges. What each one of you said has meant the world to me.

Matthew, I know what it is to be immobilized by depression. Have you considered applying for disability? For some of us, depression *is* disabling. I'm honored you shared your struggle with me, and don't be surprised if you hear a resounding, "me too" from me before the end of the fall and winter seasons. I wish you well. You can write me privately, too.

Much love to you all!