Friday, August 13, 2010

My Beloved....

My Beloved,

It's late, and here we are again, you and I. The house is still, quiet. No one can see my tears but you.

I don't have to tell you that I'm unbearably sad about all this that's been going on. And I don't know what to do. I said I'd live in dignity, but some circumstances seemed determined to strip such any notion of dignity away from you. I've been here before. It is a wretched, terrible place. The hell hounds are at my heels, and a few have come close enough to get a few rabid bites in. I feel their paralyzing venom spreading through me, sickening me body and soul, and I can't help but think, "I shouldn't have let them come so near." Oh, Lord, teach me the fine art of holy detachment anew.

I don't ask where are you, because I know you're here. Nor do I ask where is your consolation. Such isn't always necessary on the journey, not when you're a grown up. One does what is right simply because it is the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean I don't need your help to do it, with or without a palpable feeling of your comforting presence. Beloved, I ask that that you would give me strength. I'm not strong, but you are. I'm not wise, but you know all things. I'm in the dark, and have no idea where I'm going, but you are the way. Keep my mind fixed on you. Help me to do what I must. Give me the grace to endure this trial. Forgive me for my failings, shortcomings, and sins, and help me to forgive those who know not what they do, and even more, to forgive those who know and do grievous wrongs anyway. Help them, Lord. They are especially in need of your mercy.

Way maker; Lover; Friend; my God; I need you. Help me, Beloved. Please.

Amen.

8 comments:

Juanita said...

Your prayerful lament is painfully beautiful. May God in His mercy draw near to your soul.
Juanita

ragamuffin diva said...

Thank you, kindly, Juanita. I've gotten some sleep. That makes everything better. More than that, the Lord has given new mercies with the rising of the sun. Now to get through the day.

Much love!

MaryAnn M said...

and, with friends at your side...prayin...you will make it thru this season too. hugs.

Heather Diane Tipton said...

Oh, my dear friend, I love you and am praying for you!

~Leslie said...

Amen!

xo!!

The Morrows said...

Not sure if these lyrics relate at all to what you're going through, but they came to mind so I thought I'd share. :)

The Voice of Truth--Casting Crowns

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

Anonymous said...

I'm right there with you, dear sister. Emotional pain is just as strong as physical pain and there is no pain killer for it. May God grant you rest and peace.

Heidi Renee said...

praying. i can only fill in the blanks and pray. love you dear friend.