Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Mea Culpa

Okay, so besides the fact that I love saying anything in Latin, the words mea culpa weigh on my soul today. A good translation in English is, "my own fault." Despite the most ardent narcissism many of us have, myself included, it's never a bad thing to own up to something you have done, or some way in which you have failed. But that doesn't make it easy, or less painful.

I have had many, many bad years. More than good ones. I didn't intend to hurt friends, loved ones, my children, but I did. Some people are big enough to understand these failings. Others are not, and I won't blame them for that. It's just that some people need more than others. It's a fact of life, lovies. I didn't have much to give. Maybe it seemed like I did. I showed up here almost five hundred times--far less than some bloggers I know, but more than others. I wrote books in which I was as transparent as Saran Wrap. That too, in some way, was giving. Hospitality of sorts. But there were years I languished in depression and illness. I wasn't a good friend, spouse or mother. It wasn't intentional, but I hurt some people who are important to me. People I love.

Mea culpa is hard to stare in the face. I think it's harder than I'm sorry, because it's a greater admission of guilt. And yet, maybe it's taken my recent, transformative experience to even begin to deal with my haunting past. A month ago what I'm dealing with now would have crushed me flat.

I was wrong, my friends. I said that I thought the dynamics had changed in my life, and some people were having a predictable reaction, but it's more than that. Some people are just plain tired of me. I can't say that I blame them, but I wish this wasn't so with all my heart.

Time to put those big girl panties on and face it all. It's remarkable how useful big girl panties are, isn't it? And it's okay, because see, I can't turn back the clock and start over doing everything differently. I can only do things differently right now. The same soft eyes of grace that I willing give to others, I have to use to gaze upon myself today. A lot was my fault. I did not mean to harm anyone in my actions, or lack of actions. I am truly sorry.

For the record, in the words that we say at Mass, may I say to you and all of heaven:

I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have sinned greatly in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done and in what I have failed to do,
through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.
Therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints, and you my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.

And may the Lord have mercy. Hang on y'all. This ride may get a little bumpy, and just so you know, to spare some important people in my life any undue pain, I can't reveal exactly what is happening. I'm sorry for that. I'm sure you understand.

In love,
mair

9 comments:

Nedra said...

Wow, Mair, you're so brave (and I wonder if you get tired of hearing that one.) Only the Lord is perfect. For the past 3 years or so, your words pushed me to care about you--the woman behind the words, so I'll keep you and yours in prayer. Much love...

~Leslie said...

Praying for and with you. Praying for your loved ones as well!!! It's hard to admit wrong. It's even harder to make things right. I applaud your desire to and your openness. God bless you, Mair!!

ragamuffin diva said...

Thanks, ladies. I'm counting on your prayers.

MaryAnn M said...

although my blog is disappearing tomorrow...i have ya bookmarked and i will be present. be blessed and brave and know that you are walking in truth...Truth...

ragamuffin diva said...

Thanks, MaryAnn. May this be a peaceful respite for you.

MaryAnn M said...

i started your book last nite...i LOVE IT!!

ragamuffin diva said...

So happy to hear that, my fried. XOXO~

MaryAnn M said...

teresa has always been one of my favs...this unlocks a bit more than i knew of her...and you :D

Dee S. said...

praying for you, woman. i have a new puter, so you can chat with me again or call or i'll call you. let me know.