Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Be That Well

What a week it's been! The Sunday before last I passed out at dinner and there I was in the emergency room and then a bed at UK hospital. After that my computer died--yes, the one I sent to be serviced two weeks ago. But I'm out of the hospital and rested. I'm not one hundred percent but I'm here. My computer is back, and it seems to be working just fine.

This week I've spent a lot of time grieving my life, and the choices I've made. I realized, with God's help the support of friends, that I've spent much of my adult life living as if I'm still the high school drop out and battered woman I used to be.

Okay, let me say this: I really was a high school drop out, but why have I made that BIGGER than being a freakin' college graduate? I haven't written the best novels EVER, but I have received recognition, and even gained some fans. One of my books was nominated for some pretty darned good awards. So why have I sat on proposal ideas, afraid that I'm not a good writer and wondering if my writing life is OVER?

I'm back with the same old issues: a landlord demanding payment I don't have and a pending eviction; checks that are delayed for no fault of my own; fear driving all my decisions. I'm wearing a heart monitor right now. Lord, have mercy. Last night I asked myself what is breaking my heart. The answer? I am.

So after a tearful, "God why haven't you provided?" moment, my dear lovie Lisa showed me the ways in which he had, indeed, provided. We're low on funds not just because I didn't get my check on time, but also because we've been a financial prodigals, spending the little we have too lavishly, and believing ourselves, especially me, to be unworthy to be called a daughter. But my good Father has received me with great love, just as he the prodigal son's father did. He ran to meet me.

Today, my life starts over. I don't care if there's an again after that.

I called the counseling center today. I'm going to get help with every little thing standing in the way of being of my being the most authentic, best me I can be, and that includes financially. I'm going to set a time for daily (with a sabbath) work. Daily! I'm listing all the ways that I can make money with the many gifts God has given me. Today's message from God to me has been, "I've given you all that you need. Go!"

Lisa reminded me that Francis DeSales said, "Be who you are, and be that well." She added, "You're fantastic. Use the gifts God gave you." I have barely been myself, much less be me well. It's time to forge the identity that I've missed caught up in both legitimate and unnecessary suffering.

Being in Overeaters Anonymous, I've prayed the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." This I'm good at. "The courage to change the things I can?" Not so much. Sure life is scary, but I still have to live it. "The wisdom to know the difference isn't my strong suit either, but the Bible says if we ask for wisdom, God will give it. I'm counting on that.

Anybody with me?

mair-francis

St. Francis DeSales image by John Murphy
http://www.cafepress.com/idyllspress/

11 comments:

Nedra said...

Hi, Mair. I'm so glad to hear that you're rested.

I'd never heard of that St. Francis de Sales quote until just a couple of days ago--a day when I'd stopped to breathe after trying so hard to get "good at" some career skills that are "surer" to bring me money than my beloved painting and writing.

Resistance, refusal, or whatever it is I've been doing to avoid using the talents God gave me is not working.

I'm thankful to have just come across his quote, and then to have the message reinforced in this post of yours:

"Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly."

When I look back over the last few months at some of my own illnesses and missteps, I so get what you mean. So many are with you.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences. Please be continually blessed.

ragamuffin diva said...

I don't even have to say how much I get it, Nedra. Amazing that you've been given such confirmation, which is also confirmation for me. I've heard many variations of the DeSales quote. All say the same thing to me: BE YOU! And trust the God who made you, loves you, and will take care of you.

Much peace, friend.

Kay Day said...

I'm with you in prayer.
The devil is scared to death of you being all God made you to be. Blossom, Mair!! It's spring!

Rehoboth said...

I'm on your side, praying for you, Mair. You can do this, with God's help!

Susan

Patrina said...

Claudia,

You said it - He said " I've given you all that you need...GO"

I believe that! He gave all that we would need for our journeys before we were ever born...way before we were even a seed in our mother's womb.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.Before you were born I set you apartand appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 and you my dear are a TRUTHBEARER - so that makes you a prophet!

Don't let the enemy steal your gifts. You have been given everything that you need to walk your journey and live victorious - EVERYDAY- regarless of the two steps forward and one step backwards.

Fight this felling - the spirit of heaviness with praise... put on praise music! Worship .. sing... lift your voice to the Lord!! Release His presence through your worship.

He wrote the lyrics into you. Before the beginning of time -He gave you His song to sing. It is a song that will lift you up and carry you intothe arms of Jesus - It can visually take you to heaven - if you find your song and sing it back to HIm. Sing like a bird. Release it and the heaviness will go!!

Please visit my place at www.psalm45-1.com today. I was up until 3am this morning posting my post " A Garment of Praise" just for you!! Believe it.

I also wrote a prayer for those under the pressure of this spirit of heaviness - and posted it on the front page of my blog - just scroll down until you see it. Please read it and know that I am praying for FAVOR for you right now, in tis vulnerable stae taht you find yourself in today.

I will be lifting you up all day in prayer.

I know this spirit of heviness. But I also know that God has given us weapons to fight against it! Read Isaiah 61! powerful. Jesus is our Garment - our covering - He promises to tabernacle you with your Praise!!

If you want to e-mail me - leave your e-mail at my place. And I'll write back. I protect my e-mail address so it isn't listed on my blog.

I care. I wish to encourage you, sister, friend, neighbor!!

God loves you! I just love Him, don't you??

Patrina <")>><
His watchman on the wall

The Morrows said...

Oh my sister. How is it that we allow our shortcomings to overshadow our triumphs? Why are we so good at forgetting our goodness and focusing on our fallenness? I mean, I know it's good to remember we're not perfect, but as the song says, "You (God) make everything glorious, and I am yours--what does that make me?"

You are glorious. You've got your junk, but so do we all. I am so proud of you for deciding once and for all to focus on the goodness and do what you need to do to get the junk out of the way. Praying for you, sister, and wishing I was there to cheer you on in person!!

Theunice "Ginger" Oliver said...

Claudia, I am a fan. I was in prayer for you when I read that post. I will continue to pray, but I just want to tell you how blessed I am through your writing. I enjoy going on adventures with "Bell". She cracks me up!!! I'm glad you are a writer. I find it funny that you feel the same way about your writing that I feel about mine. But you are a published author. Keep up the good work. I know you will continue to allow God to press the oil out of you. I look forward to you feeling 100%! God bless you-Ginger

Erin Wilson said...

That Lisa's a wise one.

I'm hearing the same message from God, though phrased a little differently... "you already have everything you need to begin". I don't always have the courage to believe that's true, but there is little choice but to begin.

Love you xo

GailNHB said...

Peace and strength be yours on this next phase of your healing journey, Mair. It is good to see your words again and to hear the voice of the Lord that seems so present in your writing.

Traveling mercies, dear one.
Travel well.

Heidi Renee said...

me, me, me! love you woman - and i so love that quote - beautiful! - you too!

Shonna said...

Your words speak LOUDLY to me. Forcing me to take a look deep within. I have gifts & talents I'm not using. I have let depression, finances,etc... rob me of what God has called me to be. I love ministering the Word of God to women - and I just slowly shut it all down. But God has been stirring these things in my heart again....He never lets us go-Praise God!!! Thanks for your transparency and BE YOU because know one else can do that as well as YOU!!! God Bless!