What a week it's been! The Sunday before last I passed out at dinner and there I was in the emergency room and then a bed at UK hospital. After that my computer died--yes, the one I sent to be serviced two weeks ago. But I'm out of the hospital and rested. I'm not one hundred percent but I'm here. My computer is back, and it seems to be working just fine.
This week I've spent a lot of time grieving my life, and the choices I've made. I realized, with God's help the support of friends, that I've spent much of my adult life living as if I'm still the high school drop out and battered woman I used to be.
Okay, let me say this: I really was a high school drop out, but why have I made that BIGGER than being a freakin' college graduate? I haven't written the best novels EVER, but I have received recognition, and even gained some fans. One of my books was nominated for some pretty darned good awards. So why have I sat on proposal ideas, afraid that I'm not a good writer and wondering if my writing life is OVER?
I'm back with the same old issues: a landlord demanding payment I don't have and a pending eviction; checks that are delayed for no fault of my own; fear driving all my decisions. I'm wearing a heart monitor right now. Lord, have mercy. Last night I asked myself what is breaking my heart. The answer? I am.
So after a tearful, "God why haven't you provided?" moment, my dear lovie Lisa showed me the ways in which he had, indeed, provided. We're low on funds not just because I didn't get my check on time, but also because we've been a financial prodigals, spending the little we have too lavishly, and believing ourselves, especially me, to be unworthy to be called a daughter. But my good Father has received me with great love, just as he the prodigal son's father did. He ran to meet me.
Today, my life starts over. I don't care if there's an again after that.
I called the counseling center today. I'm going to get help with every little thing standing in the way of being of my being the most authentic, best me I can be, and that includes financially. I'm going to set a time for daily (with a sabbath) work. Daily! I'm listing all the ways that I can make money with the many gifts God has given me. Today's message from God to me has been, "I've given you all that you need. Go!"
Being in Overeaters Anonymous, I've prayed the serenity prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." This I'm good at. "The courage to change the things I can?" Not so much. Sure life is scary, but I still have to live it. "The wisdom to know the difference isn't my strong suit either, but the Bible says if we ask for wisdom, God will give it. I'm counting on that.
Anybody with me?
St. Francis DeSales image by John Murphy