Tuesday, January 19, 2010

An Open Letter to Suzy Q.

Dear Suzy Q,

Here you are, on my nightstand. When I brought you into the room, I hoped no one would see me. I did not sneak you in, but I have to admit, I was relieved no one saw me. It would have embarrassed me, and I'd have made excuses, or just told whoever challenged me, if indeed someone would have, to leave me alone.

It's funny. You are sitting right there above Ken's gazillion snacks, but I don't want any of that stuff. Who binges on dum dums! Admittedly, there are a gazillion lots of those miniature candy bars, and some are my favorites, but I only want you, Suzy, Q. I am thinking about how good and sweet your fluffy white cream filling is, and how much comfort you will bring me. And your chocolately yummy goodness! My, my, my! Hostess sure knows how to kill a sistah softly.

But you're going to make me feel awful if I eat you. I just know it. I already feel guilty about a the extra piece of breaded turkey cutlet braised in olive oil I had after dinner. You know what I noticed tonight? I let myself get really, really stressed. I did waaaaay more than I felt like doing, when just doing when I didn't feel good was enough. I'm doing the junk I do to burn myself out, but I can't let that happen, Suzy Q. Despite your presence here, I want to live.

Today, I went to Third Street Stuff after my walk. I chatted with Henrik, who is utterly gorgeous and flirts with all women me. He said, "What are you up to?" And I told him I was workin' out! He asked me was I trying to put my sexy on, not that I wasn't already sexy! Ha! I said, "No, I'm trying to take diabetes off! But if I happen to get sexy in the process, well, I won't be mad about that."

As soon as I got home I had a good talk with the woman who may be my oa sponsor. And then, I got nervous. It was a barely perceptible nervous then, nebulous, but unsettling. And then I started doing all this stuff. Writing, reading blogs, I did both little girls really thick hair, and then I cooked! A nice dinner of braised turkey parmesan and spaghetti marinara, and as soon as that food hit my mouth I lost control. I sat in here alone, watching television--what, I don't even remember, and it was just a few hours ago! And I stuffed my modest meal down so fast that I'm astounded. And then I went for another piece of turkey that I downed in no time. And while that sits like a stone in my belly, I'm here writing, and thinking about you, and wondering if I'll be able to put you back. And honestly, I don't think so.

Step one. "We admitted our lives were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable."

After double portion of turkey episode, I went to an online oa meeting. I can't tell you what's said in meetings, but I think I can safely say that I was moved by someone's sharing. I'm beginning to see that 12 steppers are all ragamuffins. And they are honest about that. People don't like for me to say I'm a ragamuffin. They've been trying to talk me out of it for five years. But I know I am. It just means needy. I'm deeply in need of God. Apparently, I can't even open a can of whoop butt on a snack cake! But I was impressed enough to get this out of the whole thing. I can't do this without God.

God, help me. Please. Have mercy.

Lord, say the word so I can be healed.

Okay, that's enough. I can only give so much of myself to you.

Goodbye, Suzy Q. I have to do something now.

Hi lovies. I put Suzy Q. away. I still feel sad, and anxious. Maybe because Jorge Cruise's book came today, and I know I have to get busy doing some really hard work. Food is BIG in my life, and that's why I'm so big. And darn! I weighed 195 today. I may have messed that up.

Yeah, I know it isn't about the scale, but...


Okay, the wee hours are something I need to give up, too. I'll talk to you later today. Until then...

Prayers appreciated.



MaryAnn M said...

Mair...its all one step at a time. no one wandering down a scary dark path gets there in one step...and it takes a bunch of little steps to get back out of the scary dark path...but it helps to see the Light after you turn it around and begin.
Congrats to you on the victory over SuzyQ.
you are on your way...and God, Himself has you by your hand.

ragamuffin diva said...

Wise words, MaryAnn. Thanks!

Kay Day said...

Rejoice over the small victories and don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Jesus always gives us do-overs. Keep on.
I know it's hard. But I know that Jesus will help you-- and me. We don't have to do it alone.
I've been just giving in without even a fight lately. Bring on the bad stuff because I'm hurting and I need it. Whatever. What I need is to to treat my body with some love and respect. But...that's not the easy way, is it? (at least the cookies I've been chowing down on are organic! That's something, right? no?)

ragamuffin diva said...

It sounds like something to me, Kay. :) Hang in there.

Heidi Renee said...

oh darling - i have had this post in my bloglines waiting to read it - waiting until i was "strong enough" - you see that creme filling calls to me too raga - there is nothing else like it in the world for me. i can't for the life of me figure out why. maybe it cuddles me like i've never been cuddled? maybe it wraps itself around me like i wish my momma would have? maybe it's just heroine in my veins? my drug of choice was little debbie swiss rolls (by the box). it's been over 10 years since i've had one and i can still taste that damn creme filling... so i read it today - i am strong enough, just for today to set that aside and learn to comfort myself in ways that bring me life and not death.

love to you dear one - your path is making mine stronger.