Tuesday, January 26, 2010

An Epiphany

So, I go to the doctor today. I weigh seven lbs more than my loving, kind, generous, and remarkably dishonest scale says. My scale says 194. The doctor's office scale says 202. And I know I've lost weight! Don't make me think about what I must have weighed last week.

But honestly, I ain't mad at 202. 202 is just a number. It isn't who I am. It's what I weigh today on this journey. It just is, and I can judge it or love it. I choose to love it, because I know what it took to get there. I honor that experience. I'm tired of fighting it. Besides, I don't plan on staying at 202 long.

It's funny, when I was looking for images for 202 I came across this Zazzle t-shirt:

Hearting my 202 is so much better than crying about it. The first time I saw that number was on a doctor's scale in Michigan. I cried when I came home. I felt way bummed out this time, but I didn't cry. I call that progress, and that time, back in Michigan, it was 202.5!

While I was at the doctor's office waiting for him to get my prescriptions, the woman who may be my sponsor called. I told her that I didn't think I was as ready to get busy as I would liked to have thought I was. I still wanted to keep the box of grief hidden. I did not know at the time we had this conversation that I didn't want to give Jesus the box, not just because I was afraid of the pain it would unleash, but I was angry at my Beloved for allowing me to go through all that mess. It was he who told me, as I sat in the meeting tonight listening to stories that I was angry at him.  Often he speaks to me in questions, but today he simply stated, "You're mad at me." And he was right.

I didn't know I was mad at him before that. It was an epiphany.

I mean it was an epiphany in more than one way. Like the wise men who sought him, it was epiphany of a Christ that I'd not seen before. It was a moment of sudden insight, and it was a revelation of a divine or a supernatural being, because as sure as the incarnation, Christ came to me tonight, sitting at that meeting. He came as a small still voice in my soul. He bore witness to the truth. He shared the good news really: you were mad at me. It is good news, because seeing that changes everything.

After being stunned by his voice, in my mind I allowed myself to thrash, and accused, and beat on his chest. "Where were you?" my sad little woman/child shouted. I knew he was there all along, but I was still angry, and I still had to ask, no demand, "WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS STARVING!?! WHERE WHERE YOU WHEN HE WAS HURTING ME!?!" He didn't have to tell me he was there, weeping as I wasted away. I knew. He just wanted me to ask him. They'll be no giving him a box of grief I don't trust him with, and if I trust him, I'm safe to say, "Why did you forsake me?" even if I know he didn't do that at all.  But that little woman/child believed it. And her feelings had to come to light. After all. She is me.

Jesus let me rage, and all of this took place quietly on the inside of me as I listened. This inner storm went on until my inner 89 lb woman/child was good and tired, and my anger spent.

"Are you done?" he said.

"I'm not sure."

And lovies, that is the truth.

Jesus nodded, and waited, the box sitting between us. But I didn't lash out anymore, I just stood there wishing he would take me in his arms. Of course he did. He held me, and soothed me, and he's still holding me now. And I can make it through the night.

 Grace to you,
mair-francis, who really needs to do something about her hair!


Lisa said...

mmm... I needed to read this tonight. I've certainly had my share of those conversations with Jesus where I don't want to admit that I'm angry and he calls me on, and then loves me anyway, while I still rage. Thanks for sharing.

GailNHB said...

You are so right: none of us is sure that we are done. There is always another question, another grunt, another outcry. And Jesus, God bless Him, can take it. He wants to take it. He urges us to lay it all on Him.

What a journey you are on, dear Mair, as you do just that.

GailNHB said...

PS. My scale and my doctor's scale have never been the same. I like mine better!!!

MaryAnn M said...

i LOVE LOVE these stories!!
i do!!
the SOZO thing...the healing at all levels...sigh.
what a great and perfect Savior.
He was there all along and He knew all along...and He was still there ready and waiting for you to thrash and yell at Him...and then snuggle deep.

i am so excited for you.

and...about that number.
yes. love that body of yours.
that body is strong...it took you this far in life. you are now giving back to it, health and mindfulness.

next week it will be a different number....its all gonna be okay.

Kay Day said...

I see peace in your face.
I love Jesus! I love that he gives us what we need. Even if it is an accusation of sorts.
I love that we can rage and scream at him and he loves us still. No fears of driving him away.
I love this photo. Peace to you.

~Leslie said...

You are looking more and more like you!

Thank you so much for sharing!


Rehoboth said...

Oh my. I've been there, dear sister. I was 210 twelve years ago, and it's been a journey. A long one. I don't think mine's over yet. I understand the anger thing, too. Good girls don't get mad at God, right? Wrong! They just don't admit it.

May the peace of the Lord be with you as you walk this road. You are not alone.

lauradroege said...

Thanks for sharing. I've struggled with my weight, too, though from a different angle: I had an eating disorder in college.

I've also had those moments of anger towards God. Okay, not just moments, but years. So I can identify with that as well.

And my doctors' scales never agree with each other. It depends on how often the scales are calibrated, I think.

Katy McKenna said...

I will appreciate following your journey, too, lady. As you may know, ten years ago right this minute, I tipped the scale at 183. God was with me all the way as I lost the pounds slowly, over a two year period. I have gained back some, but have kept off 50 pounds for all this time. I STILL have the sign in my kitchen that says, "Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first." I keep it as a reminder that for the first 46 years of my life, that's EXACTLY what I did!!! I was on pre-diabetic (with two diabetic parents and one sister), terrible triglycerides and all the rest. NO MORE. Giving up all sugar was the BEST thing I've ever done for my health. (Your mileage may vary. I don't push my way of eating on ANYone.)

For me, life was uncertain precisely BECAUSE I ate dessert first, haha!! But 46 years was long enough. Now I'm 56, and in much better health than 10 years ago.

I will be cheering you on every step of the way and praying, too. Emmanuel! God is with us.

Erin Wilson said...

My goodness, you're beautiful.


ragamuffin diva said...

You all are so kind. Thank you. I feel so encouraged.

I'm going to be very busy for a few days, so I'm not sure when I'll blog again, but I'll keep you all in heart and mind.

May the Lord bless you, protect you from all harm, and grant you peace.

Heather Diane Tipton said...

do you know how much I love you?

Jean said...

Being angry at God is something most don't want to admit. We think we can't be angry at GOD, because, well, that's not acceptable and he might strike us dead or something. But the truth is, we do get angry at God. Sometimes it takes a revelation like you experienced for us to realize it.

I've also been where there were so many bad things happening that I felt like a child huddled in a corner with my arms raised and bent in defense to protect myself from an angry parent, and I felt like the parent was God. I thought God must be mad at me!

My Father God can take my anger. He wants me to be honest, be real, with him and with myself. His desire is to set me free! To heal my hurts. A wise counselor once told me, that until I could face the awfulness of what was done to me - instead of being in denial and saying well, it wasn't so bad - then I would not be able to heal. I had to fully face the offense to forgive the offender.

You, my dear, are on your way to healing, and it will come!

Don't worry about the scales. I weight in the buff at home, and then at the doctor's office I have on clothes, shoes, makeup, earrings . . . LOL . . . and that is why I weigh more at the doc's office. :)

PS. I would love to be 202!

Paula said...

Proud of you Sistie! And yup, He's there. Praying.

Tracey M. Lewis-Giggetts said...

I want to scream at you, Mair. I want to scream "STOP UNPACKING MY JUNK." But alas, your journey is mirroring my own and I have to own that. **sighing as I stare at my own box**