Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Let Me Not Be Disappointed

It was Friday morning. The first week in Lent. I'd gone to Lexington to be with Lisa. I was discouraged, full of self-pity, and more than a little self-loathing. I just wanted to rest, to do what I'd gone there to do, be loved on. I didn't think I could handle much more.

Lisa does some volunteer work at her church, and since I'd joined myself to her hip, that Friday morning I went along. I knew I'd want to spend some time in Adoration, and when she started her day, I headed to the chapel of the Blessed Sacrament.

I entered and peace enveloped me. Prayer books were placed at kneelers all around the tiny chapel, and I loved that. For Lent I was trying to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, so this was right on time, literally. It was the Third Hour, nine am. I bent at a kneeler, opened the prayer book and began to pour my heart out to God. These were the words I read:

Psalm 25
Prayer for God's Favor and Protection

And isn't it always a good idea to have that kind of prayer.

Under the heading was a scripture:

Our hope will never be disappointed (Romans 5:5)

Even after reading these words I still didn't get it. But I began to pray:

To You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
I trust You, let me not be disappointed;
do not let my enemies triumph.
Those who hope in you shall not be disappointed,
but only those who wantonly break faith.

The italics in that passage are my own emphasis. It appears that God wanted me to tell me something, because the words leapt out at me from the pages.

Let me not be disappointed.

I don't know about you, but I've had my share of disappointments. Maybe I've had more than my share. I've learned to be brave, shrug my shoulders and go on. But the soul gets tired, and my good God was leading me to pray this for a reason.

After I prayed those first few verses, I strayed from the text and began to pour my heart out in my own words. I asked God to be with me, and help me do His will. I asked, if He were kind enough to permit it, if He'd allow me join Lisa in Lexington to do His merciful works. My whole heart, and everything in me was in that prayer.

Let me not be disappointed.

And right there, in that little, lovely chapel, oh so tenderly, God began to speak to me.

He changed my life in those moments.

That night, before I went to sleep, I reflected on the revelations He gave me. I went back to my prayer book to experience the words that shook my soul so, anew. And lovies, I couldn't find them. They weren't the Friday daytime prayers I was supposed to be praying that morning. I'd turned the pages to the wrong day, and never realized it,To but I believe I had a divine appointment with, "Let me not be disappointed."

Today, I needed those words again. I feel as if every devil in hell is bent on distracting and discouraging me. I'm slapping their evil offerings away like I would a mosquito buzzing in my ear. But they've annoyed me. In fact, I'm nearly worn out from the effort. I needed to revisit Psalm 25 today.

Let me not be disappointed.

God, hear this ragamuffin, and make my dreams come true.

I need a miracle to move to Lexington, lovies, but I believe in those. I'm blessed to be able to say that I've experienced more than a few "God made a way out of no way" moments in my life. I'm using radical, ruthless trust that the Lord loves me enough to provide for me, even in these rough times.

I have hope. Today, it is hope against hope, but that too, is hope.

Our hope will never be disappointed.

I'm standing on that.



Elysa said...

Praying for that miraculous provision and way, Mair!

ragamuffin diva said...

Thanks, Elysa. I believe God will grant this, but I am still grateful for everyone who prays with me to this end.

Love you, sis.

upwords said...

I really, really needed this today. Those gnats are buzzing over here too. Love you.

Heidi Renee said...

Hey Mare - tell us what you need, please. What I have learned in these past 6 years blogging is that we all can do just about anything if we get to play our tiny little parts because our tiny little parts add up to big, big ideas and momentous events.

I also believe there is a spiritual principle here - really asking is important, the making of the list, the telling of the tale, the risk - asking for what we need is risky, but God blesses that risk.

I can't carry a couch because I'm just too dang far away - you know I'd do it if I wasn't - but I'd really like to help in a real, tangible way - and you know that you're simplifying my travel plans by bring your lovely selves to the Samsons so now I only have to take one trip instead of two :p

I know I'm not alone here - please - give us some details, let us pray and let us help.

ragamuffin diva said...

I hear you, Mary. Keep swattin', girl.

Tracey, I don't know what happened to your comment, but I read it, and I'm very grateful. Right now your prayers would be so helpful.

Heidi, thanks so much for your encouragement. I feel like you're rallying the troops for me. I'm not sure who to ask what for. But I'm working on it.

Many thanks, family! Many thanks!

Christine A. Mayo said...

With God all things are possible...love your words of consolation......Be Blessed!

Cierra Grove said...

I'm so glad I found your blog! I just recently read WOUNDED and can't wait to read more of your books. Your writing is so honest and fresh! I am a young writer too and hope someday to be published. You go, girl!!