Today's reading was about the sign of Jonah, and I don't mean Thomas Merton's book.
"Jesus said to the crowd, 'This generation is an evil generation; it seeks a sign, but no sign will be given it except the sign of Jonah. Just as Jonah became a sign of the Ninevites, so will the Son of Man be a sign of this generation.'" (Lk. 11:29-32)
Jonah was a type of Christ, and his languishing in the belly of the whale for three days foreshadowed the time when Christ would face death for three days before His glorious resurrection. But what is God saying to me?
Am I looking for a sign? Waiting for the miracle that never seems to come? Sometimes I think I am. I've mentioned how hard yesterday was. Today brought its own struggles. It's easy to have child-like faith when everything is great and I'm the recipient of heavenly warm-fuzzies in spades, but on a day like today heaven seems to have moved without leaving a forwarding address.
I succeeded in abstaining from meat, but failed by overeating everything else in my kitchen. I showed up for the Divine Hours, but retained not a word of what I essentially read aloud instead of prayed. On a day like I had today I wish some messenger would come proclaiming that one day I really will act like I've got some sense. No sign was given.
Yet I, like Jonah, still hear the call to repent, and like the reluctant prophet, I resist my on-going conversion. It's much easier to be a big baby indulging in my oral fixation, food lust, and deeply ingrained habits, than to repent, and preach it to others, too. So what happens? I get swallowed up. My Jonah's whale is depression. It's a nasty, dark, stinky place, but it teachies me something. It's time to grow up and stop using food to fill the empty places inside of me. It's time to be a big girl and listen and respond to God's voice. "Repent," it says to me. And then, "Pass it on."
I ignored that voice today. The depression, despite my bravest efforts, consumed me. I hated the way my body looks, the things I did to gain so much weight, and the person I am to let myself go. Now, I am waiting for my rebirth, yet another conversion.
All I can pray is that the Lord have mercy on me, teach me to hear and give His message, and be ready to tell it before He spits me back out to my audience.