Today was that day. The one that inevitably comes after you've tried so hard. I didn't want to pray the Hours. I was distracted and full of sorrow. Everything came hard. I needed help.
I guess I finally admitted how lost I feel. The job market is terrible in Michigan, like many other places, and I'm near the end of my advance money from books. Like many Americans I'm worried, and what's worse, I felt like I made all the wrong choices in my life. I don't feel very marketable in the big bad world, and although Ken's business has picked up exponentially, I still feel like it's up to me to be the provider, which totally isn't so.
If God hears the sighs that filled my hours today the way He hears me pray the Divine Office, He took pity. I languished in front of the computer for hours, seeking a little bit of direction. Finally I stumbled upon some You Tube Loyola Press Lenten retreats and heard a simple prayer, "Lord, remember the work of your hands." Or something like that. Vinita Hampton Wright is doing a series of videos for her new book, Deepening Days of Friendship. I think. I know I'm so vague, but I have company and can't link right now. Just search for them on the site. Anyway, she spoke so beautifully about trusting God to do the work of creating us. At least that's what I got out of it. Even if I got every other detail is wrong, I needed to hear that it was God making me, and not myself. Today, I'd given up on myself.
After I watched the video and prayed that prayer, my agent called. His words were like an antidote to my blue mood. He rooted me back in faith: in myself, in my future, and in God.
Later, my bff Lisa arrived with my Godbaby. I'm as content as a babe at her mamas breast. We've spent the evening with laughter and great joy. They are yet another tonic for my soul. Not much to say tonight, but that this Lent thing, and so much of the spiritual life gets hard. Today was that really crappy day.
And then there is our good God, showing up with a word here and there, smiling faces, and people that love you so much you just know you're the work of God's hands. And so are they. How could we not be with such grace abounding?
I'm one lucky--no, blessed--gal.