Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I'm back. Sorta.

Hey lovies,

I've really missed you. I know I've been gone since, like, January 28th, but I wasn't just ignoring you. Nor was I livin' large. I've been very sick. I'm having one of those "episodes". No, not that kind, though honestly, I'm in a really dark depression, but I've been worse, mood-wise. So, it's not a bipolar thing. Maybe it's a fibro thing, but to tell you the truth. I don't think I have fibro now. I think it's something else. Don't make me say it.

I'm sick. I had two weeks of really bad pain. Each day I felt worse. My vision is getting blurry (could be my eyes just changing). My legs give out sometime (could be a fibro thing). I had one or two half-days where I was all right, but it's been mostly one ginormous, non-stop, painful bummer.

And okay, I'll just say it. I've been having chest pains for a few days, off and on. I starting popping Tums like "House" knocks back Vicodin, and it's not helping much. I'm very short of breath. I'm also very, very tired. Add to my misery a virus. Ear pain. Chest feeling heavy (could be because I have a virus). Throat sore. But I do have something of a cardiac history. So, tomorrow I'm going to the hospital. I just wanted to turn my rewrites in to my editor before I went in.

Insert your yelling here.

Aw, come on. This may be nothing. I'm obese, and maybe I just have heart burn and need something stronger than Tums. I'm not sure. Last night I prayed that God would give me a sign that I should go on to the ER. That's a big deal for me. I don't have any health insurance, and it'll cost a grand to walk through the door. I don't have a grand, either. The last thing I need is more bills I'll have trouble paying. I prayed, and asked the Lord to make the sign sure, so I wouldn't miss it. I woke up this morning, did some work, and began a Google search on what, I don't remember. I came across a headline that the husband of one of my favorite writers and bloggers--he's a great writer too--Michael Dubriel, passed away suddenly while working out at the gym.

I was far more concerned about Amy Welborn and her family than I was about watching for signs. You know how it is. Some bloggers feel like family, or your bff, even though you don't know them. Amy is grieving, and her two young children must be reeling. So can you pray for them? He was a lovely man. He'll be sorely missed. And this from a person who never met him personally, but their family touched my heart and strengthened my faith.

This evening I got an email from my agent. One of his clients who has a 12 year old son had to take his boy to the hospital. The child had caught the flu, with symptoms much like the one's I described. After a battle, that poor baby rallied for a short time, only to die later that evening. Sweet Jesus, what a horrible thing! Will you pray for these families, please?

I'll say this, too. I don't think those awful events were my signs. The poor families have been struck by illness and death as all of us are. But these tragedies did give me, as I grieve with those who are suffering, a bit of a pause. Maybe a person doesn't need a freakin' sign, but common sense. If you are very sick, or having chest pains, and you have risk factors (earlier heart damage, and obesity), just go. No need for drama, guilt, or self-sabotage. If I'm fine, just worn down, or having a bad fibro episode, I won't lose a thing (okay, a thousand dollars). If I'm in troube, I can receive care.

Anyway, I'll write soon to let you know how it all goes. Until then, how's your heart? Have you talked to Jesus about it all? Remember and pray for people whose hearts are shattered today, whether it's their physical heart, or not.


Image from


mystele said...

just want you to know that i'm praying for you. going through struggles here as well so my heart goes out to you.

Rhonda Jeanne said...

Mair- I hope that you will go to the doctor and that you are ok. I feel your "no insurance" pain!

I'll check back with you later.

Elysa said...

Thanks for letting us know what's going on, Mair. I was worried that in your case no news meant bad news. :( And though it could be worse, hearing that my dear friend Mair has been feeling awful is pretty bad news in my book.

I'm praying for you, darlin'. Let us know what they say.

Love you SO much!

wilsonian said...

Oh my goodness girl... just get yourself down there first thing. Serious now. I bet you didn't even know I had a serious tone...


Mike Morrell said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this, Claudia. This can be soo scary, especially without health insurance. Keep us updated, please.

Sarah said...

Praying for you today. You could always move to Canada for healthcare. :) We like authors up here.