Okay, so, I've been living not-so-fabulously. As I finished the Exorsistah 2: X Returns, I fell into atrocious habits that trumped even my normal atrocious habits. I may as well had a cola IV for one. It was that bad. For two, I hunch over when I type, which does bad things to vital organs, and my back! And my tummy is so enormous now that it may need it's own bed. I got a rash in a "fat" place which appalled me so much I begin to research plastic surgery I cannot begin to afford.
I am tired. All the time. I think I may be in the beginning stages of diabetes.
As I did research this week I found out that in Dante's Divine Comedy the third circle of hell, for gluttons! Mercy, you don't hear that word much, do you? Was a place where the people who love food waaaaay too much dwell. They have to lie in a wretched sludge made of black snow, freezing rain and hail. Dear God! That sounds like hell to me! Give me the fiery damnation any day. At least I won't be cold. Actually, the 3rd hell sounds a good deal like Michigan in the winter, where I've spent most of my winters, whether or not I was abusing food.
But honestly, I have abused food. There. The first step is admitting it, not that if you've ever seen me it isn't obvious. Gluttony is a sin you wear on your body. Or I do mine. I'm not going to suggest every overweight person is a glutton, but we really do need to call our own sins by their proper name.
And here's another thing. I've failed to do some fundamental things to care for my body. They say many people who have suffered, especially sexual abuse, cover their vulnerable souls in bodies of fat. I think there is some truth to that, though I'd certainly never say it's a hard and fast rule. I think I hid because I've been essentially scared of my sexuality. But like most things you deny, or hide, or just plain have trouble managing, it tends to come out in other ways. Many people won't read my books because they say they're too sexy. I guess we all have our way of compensating for our losses. I write sexy, because I have a decidedly unsexy way of seeing myself. I supposed. I'd have to ponder that a little more.
I began to gain lots of weight when I left the person I have uncharitably refered to as "demon lover" on this blog. I will no longer call him that, because it is unkind, and not quite accurate, as demon lovers are incubi, and fortunately, I have had no encounters with those! Nonetheless, I left him shattered, a hull that could blown away in the wind. I weighed 89 pounds. And I was HUNGRY! I ate everything I could get my hands on because he denied me food and weighed me every day. It took all of my thirties to begin to feel better about myself, or even to begin to be myself. Forty was a bumper crop year as far a grace goes. And then there was a decline, and here I am at 44, a little sad, and a whopping 196 pounds on my small, short frame.
HOLY COW!!!! DID I JUST TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WEIGH?????
LAWD, LAWD, LAWD! I GOTTA TAKE A BREAK NOW. I WAS 'SPOSED TO EASE INTO THIS AND I JUST PUT IT OUT THERE LIKE THAT. JESUS HAVE MERCY!!!!! THAT'S HUGE!! THAT'S BIGGER THAN MOST MEN I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JESUS!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm better now. I'll just pretend I didn't do that at all, and we can get right back to me being fabulous.
So, I'm thinking about all these things. After leaving the unkind man, who believed people were essentially motiviated by being tortured, I decided that guilt, shame, and hurt was not the way I was motivated. I am a firm believer in love, and when I feel less than loving toward myself, I know I am deep into enemy territory. This is the time of year that is hard for me and most people with seasonal depression, though it gets worse! I've been beating back depression with a short stick, but yesterday, depression grabbed me, and beat me with the same stick using my own hand! I did not enjoy it.
I woke up this morning thinking, I want to be the woman God created me to be. Not vain, but not slovenly, not by far! I want to believe I am as beautiful as Christ, my True Love, believes I am. See, He is not Dante. He understands what drives me, even to sin, and He's made provisions for me, so that I don't have to sin. Hell is not one of His provisions, not even the one for gluttons. I decided to run, as I have so many times, for so many things, right into the arms of Jesus. And in His arms, feeling the warmth of his breath as He whispers His love in my ear, is where I will change. It will be love that drives, not my depression, not my ambition, not shame. Just love.
So, I have declared today the beginning of my new life. It's even different from my Tobit journey. It's my NEW LIFE IN JESUS' EMBRACE, and I know it! I'm not guessing! I'm there because that's where I've placed myself, and where I'm staying. It is about one thing, loving Christ and giving Him pleasure, and being loved by Him, and letting Him wooo me, as He is so fond of doing.
Now, I know, announcing something is my almost sure fire way to make sure I'll fail, but I'm going to do it anyway, with the hopes that some of you will join me and share in being loved in this way. I think of few of you who meet me here need it. Not most of you! Y'all are amazing, but a few of you are wounded in this area. It's time for us to be healed, and if not completely healed, loved, just as we are.
This is me, at that...um... number I said, today. We'll chart the progress as we go. Not necessarily numbers, oh, no lovies, we'll talk about the other changes Jesus works in me with His sweet talk.
I think I'd like to stop wearing so much black. I want to know what it is to be more conscious about what I put on, where it comes from, and what the person who made it had to pay. I don't want to have the comfort of something, that hurt someone to produce. So, we're going fair trade, thrifty, and other good stuff that does no harm.
I also want to share with you how this changes my spiritual life. We'll see if paying attention to the corporeal will help the spiritual. And I want to share my struggles. It's always been hard to drink water! How will I manage eight glasses a day?
I also want to share my hopes and fears with you. I want to make it through the winter someplace other than my bed. I guess we'll see what happens. Today, I am feeling mighty fine. And that's a good thing.