Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Mair Francis' Fabulous New Life!

Okay, so, I've been living not-so-fabulously. As I finished the Exorsistah 2: X Returns, I fell into atrocious habits that trumped even my normal atrocious habits. I may as well had a cola IV for one. It was that bad. For two, I hunch over when I type, which does bad things to vital organs, and my back! And my tummy is so enormous now that it may need it's own bed. I got a rash in a "fat" place which appalled me so much I begin to research plastic surgery I cannot begin to afford.

I am tired. All the time. I think I may be in the beginning stages of diabetes.

Damn.

As I did research this week I found out that in Dante's Divine Comedy the third circle of hell, for gluttons! Mercy, you don't hear that word much, do you? Was a place where the people who love food waaaaay too much dwell. They have to lie in a wretched sludge made of black snow, freezing rain and hail. Dear God! That sounds like hell to me! Give me the fiery damnation any day. At least I won't be cold. Actually, the 3rd hell sounds a good deal like Michigan in the winter, where I've spent most of my winters, whether or not I was abusing food.

But honestly, I have abused food. There. The first step is admitting it, not that if you've ever seen me it isn't obvious. Gluttony is a sin you wear on your body. Or I do mine. I'm not going to suggest every overweight person is a glutton, but we really do need to call our own sins by their proper name.

And here's another thing. I've failed to do some fundamental things to care for my body. They say many people who have suffered, especially sexual abuse, cover their vulnerable souls in bodies of fat. I think there is some truth to that, though I'd certainly never say it's a hard and fast rule. I think I hid because I've been essentially scared of my sexuality. But like most things you deny, or hide, or just plain have trouble managing, it tends to come out in other ways. Many people won't read my books because they say they're too sexy. I guess we all have our way of compensating for our losses. I write sexy, because I have a decidedly unsexy way of seeing myself. I supposed. I'd have to ponder that a little more.

I began to gain lots of weight when I left the person I have uncharitably refered to as "demon lover" on this blog. I will no longer call him that, because it is unkind, and not quite accurate, as demon lovers are incubi, and fortunately, I have had no encounters with those! Nonetheless, I left him shattered, a hull that could blown away in the wind. I weighed 89 pounds. And I was HUNGRY! I ate everything I could get my hands on because he denied me food and weighed me every day. It took all of my thirties to begin to feel better about myself, or even to begin to be myself. Forty was a bumper crop year as far a grace goes. And then there was a decline, and here I am at 44, a little sad, and a whopping 196 pounds on my small, short frame.

HOLY COW!!!! DID I JUST TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WEIGH?????

OH, LORD!

LAWD, LAWD, LAWD! I GOTTA TAKE A BREAK NOW. I WAS 'SPOSED TO EASE INTO THIS AND I JUST PUT IT OUT THERE LIKE THAT. JESUS HAVE MERCY!!!!! THAT'S HUGE!! THAT'S BIGGER THAN MOST MEN I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


JESUS!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!!!


Okay, I'm better now. I'll just pretend I didn't do that at all, and we can get right back to me being fabulous.

So, I'm thinking about all these things. After leaving the unkind man, who believed people were essentially motiviated by being tortured, I decided that guilt, shame, and hurt was not the way I was motivated. I am a firm believer in love, and when I feel less than loving toward myself, I know I am deep into enemy territory. This is the time of year that is hard for me and most people with seasonal depression, though it gets worse! I've been beating back depression with a short stick, but yesterday, depression grabbed me, and beat me with the same stick using my own hand! I did not enjoy it.

I woke up this morning thinking, I want to be the woman God created me to be. Not vain, but not slovenly, not by far! I want to believe I am as beautiful as Christ, my True Love, believes I am. See, He is not Dante. He understands what drives me, even to sin, and He's made provisions for me, so that I don't have to sin. Hell is not one of His provisions, not even the one for gluttons. I decided to run, as I have so many times, for so many things, right into the arms of Jesus. And in His arms, feeling the warmth of his breath as He whispers His love in my ear, is where I will change. It will be love that drives, not my depression, not my ambition, not shame. Just love.

So, I have declared today the beginning of my new life. It's even different from my Tobit journey. It's my NEW LIFE IN JESUS' EMBRACE, and I know it! I'm not guessing! I'm there because that's where I've placed myself, and where I'm staying. It is about one thing, loving Christ and giving Him pleasure, and being loved by Him, and letting Him wooo me, as He is so fond of doing.

Now, I know, announcing something is my almost sure fire way to make sure I'll fail, but I'm going to do it anyway, with the hopes that some of you will join me and share in being loved in this way. I think of few of you who meet me here need it. Not most of you! Y'all are amazing, but a few of you are wounded in this area. It's time for us to be healed, and if not completely healed, loved, just as we are.
This is me, at that...um... number I said, today. We'll chart the progress as we go. Not necessarily numbers, oh, no lovies, we'll talk about the other changes Jesus works in me with His sweet talk.

I think I'd like to stop wearing so much black. I want to know what it is to be more conscious about what I put on, where it comes from, and what the person who made it had to pay. I don't want to have the comfort of something, that hurt someone to produce. So, we're going fair trade, thrifty, and other good stuff that does no harm.

I also want to share with you how this changes my spiritual life. We'll see if paying attention to the corporeal will help the spiritual. And I want to share my struggles. It's always been hard to drink water! How will I manage eight glasses a day?

I also want to share my hopes and fears with you. I want to make it through the winter someplace other than my bed. I guess we'll see what happens. Today, I am feeling mighty fine. And that's a good thing.

love,
mair-francis




8 comments:

wilsonian said...

I guess it's appropriate that I'm seeing this so soon after you posted, Mair.

You are one of the most fabulous people I know. And I want more than anything for you to find healing in this area that's taking away joy from you. I want that for myself too. A few weeks ago I started down a similar path. Haven't learned how to shut out the head garbage yet, but maybe I can learn from you...?

I love you girl.
You can so do this.
XO

ragamuffin diva said...

I think a lot of people are hearing the call to be their most authentic selves, and the call to LOVE! But I'm so grateful you said, essentially, "Me, too." Me too is my favorite thing to hear on this blog.

I'll add you and your journey to my prayers, and we'll get through this together. Yes, the head garbage is hard, but our hearts are so much larger, and so much stronger.

I have so much hope for us.

I love you back, sis.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for you Mair. I have followed your blog for a while now, and we have Erin in common. you are a wonderful woman, and I love who you are and am excited for where this will take you as you journey. I'm anonymous as I'm blogless, but my name is Lynne. Although we have never met, I consider you friend, and hope you do too.

ragamuffin diva said...

Any friend of Erin's is a friend of mine. Allow me to officially welcome you, Lynne.

Rhonda Jeanne said...

SO glad you're back! I feel your pain re: weight and nasty numbers. I'm presently more woman than I've ever been, more than I care to be. I know I have some changes to make. I was thinking about just this morning as I finished off the last of the homemade caramel frosting.(It had a little cake to go with it.) I have traded in my prozac for St. john's wort and have been VERY happy about it so far. One of the side effects of prozac has been "excessive sweating." Great...just what a heavy, depressed person needs...sweating on relatively cool days. I'm better now, though. I guess the next step is the food thing. Sigh.
My weight gain program was so successful, I almost hate to stop.
Well, I don't have a digital camera (PTL!) so I can't post a picture of myself. YOu'll just have to trust me. I'm not huge, just..er....generous. yeah, that's me.

ragamuffin diva said...

Ha, Rhonda Jeanne! Generous is a great word.

Elysa said...

Well can I just say that I see Rhonda on a weekly basis...sometimes MORE...and she is absolutely one of my favorite IRL people...she's beautiful and fun and generous! And I mean that in the spiritual way. Oh...and she's got some loveable curves that I know her children and husband must absolutely RELISH!

And Mair, you are so incredible...and Erin, too. MAN! How in the WORLD did I get so blessed to have so many fab females in my life?

GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!

Btw, spent part of today with Lisa and Ty...more tomorrow. If I just had a few Swazi children to love on, life would be perfect! ;)

ragamuffin diva said...

I'm so jealous you're with Lisa and my Godbaby. :( But happy for you friend. You're pretty incredible yourself, honey. Love ya!