Friday, November 16, 2007

Fearfully Writing

Hi lovies,

I sure am tired of blogging daily. It's seriously looking like I'm not going to make it 'til the end.

I'm not just tired of blogging. I'm tired. Period. I finished a massive rewrite (again) of The Exorsistah, and turned it in yesterday. That was the same day I was supposed to turn in my final corrections for Zora and Nicky. Final after it's been copy edited more than a few times. It's beginning to seem like the only novels I'm getting to read are anymore are my own! And whatever I read for research. These books are being fired back at me so fast I can hardly keep up with any of it.

So, I finished reading through Zora and Nicky again today. With a migraine I've had for two days, might I add. And the got right back to writing Wounded. And it's hard. Somehow I thought writing would get easier, but it actually seems to get harder as I go!

I read a lot for research, and I'm reading Nikos Kazantzakis's St. Francis. You may know Kazantzakis because he wrote The Last Temptation of Christ. One thing I can say about him, he sure knows how to take a saintly person, and show their real, human struggle.

I came across this passage about writing in St. Francis, and it got a hearty amen from me. I even shared it with Chip's class at Taylor University when I lectured (lectured? Nah. We just kicked it.) on Tuesday:

"I had taken up my quill to begin writing many times before now, but I always abandoned it quickly: each time I was overcome with fear. Yes, may God forgive me, but the letters of the alphabet frighten me terribly. They are sly, shameless demons--and dangerous! You open the inkwell, release them; and they run off--and how will you ever gain control of the again! They come to life, join, separate, ignore your commands, arrange themselves as they like on the paper--black with tails and horns. You scream at them and implore them in vain; they do as they please. Prancing, pairing up shamelessly before you, they deceitfully expose what you did not wish to reveal and they refuse to give voice to what is struggling, deep within your bowels, to come forth and speak to mankind."
Um. Yeah, Nik. I can't even lie, it's JUST LIKE THAT.
Will you lovies pray for me? I'm feeling really impoverished, and not in a good way. I don't feel like I have any more words left, and yet, I've got a whole lot more I'm supposed to be writing. I feel like I'm making all the gestures of one speaking, but my voice is completely gone. Or like I'm talking, but I ran out of things to say a long time ago.


peace to all of you, in the midst of all our storms, I pray, even if our storm is only a flurry of words we can't make sense of tonight.



Robin said...

Babydoll, you have a beautiful voice that needs to be heard.

You're the only one who can think Mair thoughts, who can write Mair words, you haven't spoken your last (this you know as well as me).

Yes, you're tired, so rest Girlie-Q. Post chapters (or portions) from your novels to tease us if you wanna keep up with nablopomo (or share Franciscan prayers or scripture or links to my blog ;). Ok...I was just kiddin' on the last one, I promise. THAT was for a smile :D).

Love you, praying for you--that you see and sense and know what I see and sense and know in this moment.

paula clare said...

OF COURSE I will pray for you dear one! I will pray that something...from SOMEWHERE inspires you and refreshes you. Blogging daily is a killer for me too...and I'm not even writing books on the side! YIKES!

Maybe take some time tomorrow to walk outside, sit and do NOTHING. Sometimes sitting in the woods helps clear my head and energizes me...


Elysa said...

Praying for you tonight, dear Mair! My poor husband is also absolutely exhausted right now. So when I pray for him I'll pray for you.

Angie Poole said...

Okay, will pray but you've already got the stuff to get it done. Allow me to paraphrase:

AP: But Claudia Mair, how do you get that kind of word count? It's all I can do to drag myself to the keyboard.

CMB: I just do it. Don't have a choice.

(I did say paraphrase.)

Love you!

joyce said...

i hope you get your inspiration back, maybe just find it in the present moment...take a break and just be for a spell without doing anything, then hopefully the words will just come to you...i will keep you in my thoughts and reflections.peace

Mary DeMuth said...

Am in the midst of substantive edits right now and feeling a little overwhelmed myself. It's good to know my struggle through it is matched by such a great talent as yourself. We're editing sistahs!

PS Do you freak when you get your editorial letter? Or celebrate? Or a combination? What comes to my mind: HOW CAN I POSSIBLY CALL MYSELF A WRITER????

ragamuffin diva said...

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your much needed encouragement.

Hi Joyce!!! So glad you're hanging out!

Mary, I've only worked with two dev editors. I've learned to trust them, so getting notes isn't so traumatic now. BUT!!! The "How could I possibly call myself a writer" thing is pretty much ever-present now.


Nedra Smith said...

Bless you, Mair. I think the verse, "a word fitly spoken," can also mean "a word fitly written." Take care of yourself!

Alison Strobel Morrow said...

I'm so jealous you got to talk to Chip's class! How did it go??

Okay, you've most likely done this, but have you ever tried taking feverfew for your migraines? It's a homeopathic thing you take every day, as a preventative. Sometimes marketed as migrafew. Anyway, just in case you haven't done that, thought I'd mention it.

Girl, God's got your back. You'll find the words you need.

Anonymous said...

Without reading the numerous comments I want to encourage you to keep writing whatever is on your heart...I write this not just for you I suppose but for me as well because it is hard to encourage others in the lessons that we ourselves have not learned. I am probably not making much sense so here I will draw it all together. A while ago I came to the realization that the verse in Habbakuk 2:2 is not just for Biblical prophets but for today's psalmists, writers, encouragers, prophets, whatever they shall be called. Your words are an encouragement to others. They are opportunities for us to learn. They are sources of inspiration for others. So while it is exhausting at times please continue to write. Isn't it interesting that the person who writes doesn't have to run but the person who reads it does...perhaps God knows how exhausting it is to try to chase those 26 letters around the page and perhaps it his way of allowing you to have a break once you have captured them and placed them just the right way on the page.

I'll be praying for you.


Paula said...

Beautiful, my dear. Just posted a poem on my blog that sort-of relates to this whole thing. See if you can relate to the Shadow Dancer in me. . . .

Hope you get some rest. May our Lord infuse you with His strength and wash over you in His grace and give you joy of soul.