Okay, so right now my entire life resembles this flower. And that ain't good. I get the whole thing about to everything there is a season...
turn, turn, turn.....
But it isn't much comfort when seasonal changes make you feel less than human. My strongest urge right now is to hibernate. That wouldn't be a problem if I were a bear, but alas, I'm not a bear. I am a woman. With kids. And a cranky husband. And I'm on a deadline for novel number six.
I don't know how much I'm going to blog. I felt fine when I did Camy's interview, but somewhere along the way I became a sad (literally seasonal affective disordered) person who's greatest ambition is picking out what pajamas to wear. If I can get out of said pajamas within two days I am highly accomplished. I can hardly recognize myself now from the self I was just a few short weeks ago.
And the snow hasn't even hit the ground.
It will take all I have to finish the novel and... um... stay awake. The fatigue I feel right now is numbing. I'm making an effort to stay close to Jesus by keeping the divine hours. I will likely fail miserably at this. But I'm going to try.
I need prayer roots. Something solid and ancient to order my life and time. Pray for me as I learn to pray. Sounds funny doesn't it, but I need those prayers, lovies, yours and the divine offices.
I also am smack dab in the middle of a huge spiritual crisis, the likes of which I haven't seen for three years. I have no idea where I'm going to land. I'm trying to take it slooooooow, but it's an aching, hurting place. And I don't like to hurt anymore than I already do.
And speaking of hurt. The novel I'm working on is called Wounded. It's for David C. Cook. It's about a young black woman who receives the wounds of Christ. Is it real? Or is she crazy? Man, have I asked myself that question a LOT in this life. It's about suffering, and what that does to a soul. Can a person really have a vocation to suffer? Doesn't sound like a very post-modern idea, does it? What would that look like now? How will it effect the suffering person, and those around her? Does Christ want us to suffer for Him? With Him? That's what my character Gina is about to explore.
So, I may or may not be here much. We shall see. I'm praying for the grace to be here, but you should know that when it's bad, it's really bad. And it's bad. If I have to take most of my energy to survive, I will. I have to.
But I love y'all. I truly do. I'll be praying for you.
pax et bonum!
mair
p.s. more on the Franciscan thing later. I think I've decided on the lay monastic order I want to be a part of. Stay tuned for the big reveal, even if it takes a minute for me to tell you.
14 comments:
You have my prayers as always, Mair, and if there's anything else you need, just ask.
Oh, Mair. You have been in my thoughts so much over the last few days. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could come and take all your burdens and just throw 'em out with the trash and tell you stupid stories and silly jokes and feed you divine chocolate and, of course, sanctified cheeses.
But I'm here in the deep south...and you're there in the already getting-cold north...so I'll pray. I'll pray, and I'll email, and maybe we'll even talk, and I'll pray some more. And I know that though all of us out here in Cyberspace can't be there with you in your IRL space, the triune One is.
I pray that He'll give you the grace and energy and hope and faith and vision and even the LAUGHTER to go on.
I pray right now for your petals to be nourished. For you to feel His love flowing thru you. Sustaining you to not only survive another day...but live to tell us and all the others about it that need to hear your stories.
We need you, girl. God has gifted the world mightily with you and I'm looking forward to hearing all your victory stories one day.
BIG, BIG lipsticky kisses and HUGE Big-Hair HUGS!!!!!!
Elys
P.S. BTW, do you want the prayers of someone who can't even spell her own name correctly? Aye-yi-yi!
praying here sister friend!
i just started reading "the story of a soul" about therese de lisieux - she died at 24 and believed big time in being called to suffer. it's a beautiful book.
much love and can't wait to hear which 'simple way' you have chosen.
Mair, I'm praying for you as I write. I know that feeling of needing to sit in Jesus' lap or to be rocked in Abraham's bosom. Hang on. You don't have to be Super Woman. God's got this.
I love you.
Thinking of you in the wee hours this morning. Wondering if you're getting sweet rest, pouring your soul out in annointed writing, or just still crying out to God for His peace and hope.
Praying, praying, praying for His presence to be manifested to you in a real and tangible way.
Please Jesus, touch Mair. Let her feel your love in an undeniable way. Speak to her as only You can. Help her, Jesus, oh just help her.
Strengthen Ken, comfort the children, tighten all the cords of love. Rest your peace on their home. Fill it with your goodness and mercy. Full to overflowing.
"Even when walking through the dark valley of death, do not be afraid, for God is close beside you, guarding, guiding all the way."
Remember in the dark what He has shown you in the light.
Love to you and yours,
Elysa
Dear, Precious Sister,
I have thought of you and have prayed the Psalms over you daily, dear heart. I know the throes of depression and SAD can be overwhelming, but DO try to remember someone, somewhere is relying on YOUR prayers...you know, the ones you pray when you can't do anything else? The prayers that FEEL desperate, I believe, take wings and fly to the ones who need them most...even if that "one" is YOU!
Like St. John of the Cross, a spiritual "crisis" (a "dark night of the soul") is not pleasant, but it CAN make for a wonderful new level of intimacy with your Friend and Savior...
You are loved, dear one...and, oh! Remember Brennan's "wobbly kneed, cheese falling off the cracker" kind of saint MOST benefits from the glories of the Ragamuffin Gospel!
I've had you on my mind, too. Wondering where you'd disappeared to and yet afraid to ask. I pray for you love and light - light to see by and lightness in your being, light so bright you are waylaid and blinded by it but at the same time so bright it reveals His love. I pray for light so light you are floating in it and in the love it embodies.
Something good to remember: God is God ALL THE TIME. He knows and He always cares. When I feel a depression coming on I tend to panic, but God always says to me, just ride it out, baby, just ride it out and HOLD ON TO ME.
Prayers said for you.
Mair - sorry you're feeling bad. But a thought and maybe it's out of line i'm not sure. I hate it when others tell me this but then again it's been true many of times. In your new book your character will be living a called life to suffer, right? Taking the wounds of Jesus "a man aqainted with grief" I wonder if the way you are feeling is really a blessing. I know, I know it sounds insane - I've struggled with those thoughts and feelings all my life. But. What if the way you're feeling helps you to develop your books character from a place of real understanding?
just a thought, though I could easily be wacked in the gourd as well.
#1. big hug for energy and vim. that's my listening component at work.
#2. here's the not-listening component, where i offer yet more unsolicited advice and quite possibly come off as a naive-do-gooder-who-doesn't-have-a-clue: are you receptive to non-western approaches to health? if so, i have found meditation cd's to be amazingly helpful, as well as yoga and especially, paying attention to lines or channels of energy in the body. NOT that i am suggesting a one-size-fits-all cure. Just that i have found it helpful to place my hands together at my middle, then sweep them gracefully over my head, as if drawing a line parallel to the front plane of my body. it's something to do with positive energy. although my former fundamentalist friends would probably say otherwise, i am pretty sure that this action does not condemn me to hell.
uhm, and really, i do remember how bleak it can be where you are. praying for your brain chemistry to be unaffected by seasons.
May God bless your endeavor.
And (I speak gently) you do know He probably won't let you write what you haven't experienced. O yeah, you know that!
I've got more to ad to this, but have to go find my Bible. Jeremiah?? Laid on his side while interceding for Israel? Something about that.
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