Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I know I've been quiet. Of course I'm dealing with my seasonal junk. Apparently Fibromyalgia symptoms have a seasonal component, too, because those symptoms are back with a vengence, and the bit of trouble I've had with my heart is back, too. I almost fainted today talking to my friend Mary on the phone. The room just started spinning, or it felt like I was spinning. It was like that Hitchcock movie Vertigo and the image of the man spinning around.
But more than that is going on. In my soul there's this ginormous upheaval and I can't even tell you much about it. I feel like a seed in the wind, trying to find some solid ground to burrow into and grow. I will tell you that it involves church, and an unrelenting feeling of displacement. Remember when I wrote about feeling like a Ghetto Pilgrim? It's a very similar feeling, only... it's not the same. The truth is I've found a spiritual home, but...
Sigh. I can't talk about it right now. It's too heavy on my heart, and rather delicate. And not only do I feel sad, I feel flaky, too. I don't mind being completely crazy, but flaky just bothers me.
I feel like I'm embodying the Merton prayer:
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
I love Thomas Merton. I find myself in his work so very often. There is great consolation in the thought that God will not leave me to face the perils within and without alone.
I just wanted to check in. I've got these physical issues. I'm on deadline, and I'm trying to keep my little seed from perishing before it even finds good ground. That's a lot on a sistah, but God is good. Just don't know when you'll see me again.
I can also tell you that Siri Mitchell is coming soon, and we're going to talk about her wonderful novel Moon Over Tokyo. And Will and Lisa Samson will join us about Justice in the Burbs, if I ever get my book! I contributed a meditation to that wonderful life changing book--but my contribution isn't what makes it wonderful. Will and Lisa and a host of their amazing friends and the message of being Jesus wherever you are make Justice in the Burbs shine. I've also asked the luminous Phyllis Tickle to teach us how to pray. I'm going to tell you about another seed soon. The seed of a local ministry I'm going to start, but in a bit. Sometimes things need to take root a bit before I tell all. So check back. Eventually I'll show up again and actually tell you something. Until then, know that I'm bouyed by your prayers and friendship.
Pax et Bonum!