I got outed yesterday. My son told his godfather what some of you probably guessed, and a few of you k now. I am thinking of becoming Catholic. This was not good news to said godfather. And a few others who now know.When I had my first communion two years ago, on the Sunday of the Samaritan woman, I thought, "This is it. I'm home. I never have to search again."
I believed it. I bought in 100%. So, imagine my dismay two years later when I realized I seem bent toward the Roman Catholic Church.
I've resisted it. And embraced it. I've flirted with it and ran from it. My godmother asked me months ago what is this attraction I have to the Roman church, and I couldn't answer her. In our last correspondence she said, "I'm Orthodox. That's what I am." I was a little jealous, because I knew I couldn't say that with the same conviction.
Recently I met with a Byzantine Catholic priest. I thought maybe I could have the best of both. Be Orthodox and Catholic! Ah, but it isn't that simple. I could gain communion with all Catholics as a Byzantine Catholic. But I'd lose communion with the Orthodox Church, even though we share in common the celebration of the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom. When I stepped into that Byzantine Catholic Church, I couldn't see much difference, but there are differences. If nothing else the Orthodox dot i's and cross t's.
Maybe I've been knocked around too much, or blown about in the wind. Maybe I've tasted from too many tables, and now my palate is ruined. Or maybe I'm having a hella big spiritual identity crisis. I don't know. I just know I don't like this. I wasn't suppose to have these questions--these feelings. The Orthodox Church was supposed to be the last stop before heaven.
When I told my husband I wanted to be a Franciscan he just shook his head. He said, "It probably won't be your last stop." And I was ashamed. It made me feel really flaky.
Maybe I am flaky. Or maybe I'm crazy. No, surely I'm crazy. No doubt about that. But I have eagerly, passionately, violently followed Christ. I have loved Him, and wrestled Him and given up popularity, money, and a lot more that I don't even care to mention because He was more important to me. I have abandoned anything that I believed wasn't Him and embraced all that I thought was. And let me tell you, sometimes I didn't have a whole lot to work with. I have crawled on my hands and knees on broken glass, crap, and debris through a whole lot of bad theology because I wanted Him. And when I found Orthodoxy I stood up, and shook the dirt, crap, glass, and blood off because I was home.
At long last.
Or so I thought. And then I fell in love with Thomas Merton and Dorothy Day. And then I fell in love with Teresa of Avila, and John of the Cross, and Francis of Assisi. I was already in love with Brennan Manning. I fell in love with Henri Nouwen and Social Justice and I noticed most my heroes shared something in common. They were Catholic!
I've asked myself if I made a wrong turn. When I was feeling this huge shift in my soul two years ago, I told Ken I may convert to Roman Catholic. Ken, who is Roman Catholic, didn't believe me. He found me Protestant (and Pentecostal at that) to the bone. And then I found the Orthodox church.
But what if I just couldn't become Catholic two years ago? What if it took the Orthodox Church to soften me to Catholic Church. I was spoon-fed so much anti-Catholic dogma I don't know if would have been possible for me to make that choice when I choose. That was before Merton and Day. Before Francesco.
Don't get me wrong. I don't have a big beef with the Orthodox Church. My problem is that I have big, juicy love for so much Catholic stuff that I'm a little confused about who I really am. I thought I was Orthodox, and that maybe I was one of the people God would use to build a bridge between the two. But it doesn't seem like many people really want that bridge. And that I have to pick ONE. I don't want to pick one.
Let me ask you a question. If you didn't know I was Orthodox, based only on what you read here, what would you think I am? Just tell me the truth. No answer is too out-there for me to take.
Someone very important to me told me that I was Anglican! I'll qualify that by saying Anglican Catholic! I'm beginning to wonder if she didn't have a point.
I almost want to give up religion, but I happen to think religion is important. I like church now. There was a time I didn't. I love the Eucharist, and have no intention of living my life without it, though I almost want to fast from the sacrament in protest of our lack of unity. But I need the Eucharist. It was the reason I converted, make no mistake about it. It was the Eucharist, and the sense that I'd be safe from the insanity of my youth and the horrid theology that marked it. I just wish I didn't have to declare that I belong to anything. But isn't that a cop out? Because I do belong to something. The Eastern Orthodox Church. So why do I feel like a Roman Catholic trapped in the Eastern Orthodox Chruch? No one is more surprised than me of this Catholic desire welling up in me.
I don't know what to do. It's like I've fallen in love with another man while I'm married. And because I've done that, I can tell you it hurts like hell. Literally. And I'm not the only one hurt by it.
I want to belong to all Christians, and have them belong to me. And you know what? I know all about the importance of sound doctrine. Believe me! I know why it matters. I'm just weary now of the fights over the things that don't matter all that much. And because this change is so painful to me, it makes me reluctant to drag my kids along. My son said, "So we're going to be Catholic now," like I'm going through some kind of religious flavor of the month. And that's horrible!!!! I had no idea what to tell him. And what if I do change? It makes me leary of publicly letting anybody know "what I am." I'm skittish about privately letting anybody know now. Maybe I'll be like Linda in Zora and Nicky. She's a traveling Christian. She just goes around from place to place with her brothers and sisters in Christ. Belonging to all. Belonging to none. But I'd wear better clothes. You have to read Zora and Nicky to know what I mean about Linda and her clothes. But I digress.
What grieves me the most is this: Jesus never meant for His body to be broken. He's still praying for our unity. He's still waiting for the answer to his prayers.
Lord, have mercy.
In deep grief,
mair
30 comments:
First off, a big deep hug to you Mair.
I hear your confusion and despair in the light of your uncertainty but I say don't despair. There are so many people who never search for a spiritual home that fits. They just settle for what they know and what was taught them. This is not a mature faith. Your search is a blessing. Because really since there is only one God which WE have wrapped in many robes the one that fits is the ones that brings us closer to God.
You asked what people would think your denomination was by just reading and I would say Protestant. Why? Because of your search for inclusiveness and unity. And because of your love of the eucharist too.
I grew up Catholic and am now protestant myself. The Catholic church rejected my mother after her divorce and I always felt barred from the table because I never did first communion. The church was my home but I was not welcome.
So I began to search and look for answers. I didn't even know what "protestantism" was when I began searching. But I knew there were places where I was welcome though I distrusted it. I thought my baptism was not valid in the church I was attending. I soon realized that I was welcome and the table was open.
How wonderful it was to be a part of a community of faith and to know a loving God.
We all search. And God opens door. The more we question and search the more door and windows we peek into.
Maybe we get overwhelmed or fall for the richness of the liturgy or the ritual but behind it all there is God. In every church, in every denomination there is God. The same God.
It is only how we practice our faith that is different. How do we carry it and how we share it.
I wish you luck in your journey. It is a blessed one.
...what are you?
...what am I?
...sounds like we chew the same sacred tossed salad
...how about anglopresbyevancathocostalmetholuquaorthonazcharisbapmennoindienondenometc.?
As my grandfather used to say, "We're just all trying to get to the same place."
Baby, it ain't the label.
FYI, I was confirmed in the Catholic church in 1992. Divorce put a dent in that. Sometimes I miss it. What I do is try not put a label on my faith--makes it easier.
Hi there...I'm just a blog reader, and I think I found you through Lisa Samson's blog. Not sure. Anyway, I never knew you were Orthodox. I find it fascinating that you want to become Catholic. (I was raised Baptist and married a Baptist and now worship in a military-style mix of Protestants on base.)
I wonder if there's any way or opportunity for you to be able to get away to commune with the Lord and really truly seek His face on this. Maybe even a weekend of silence at a monastery (or some other such place where the discipline of silence is practiced)? I would think an opportunity like that might be helpful. God bless you in your search.
If I had never read your denomination-specific posts I would think you were like me: a non-denominational Jesus-follower who just wants to find a church--any church--where she feels like she fits. What is it the Catholic church can offer you that the Orthodox church can't? Does it really matter if the people who most admire in the faith are Catholic? Does it really matter what label you apply? I'm not asking rhetorically, I'm being serious--and I don't know the answers either. And one more question that I can't answer: Is it God who's telling you to move on from the Orthodox church, or you? I think that's the most important question to ask and answer before doing anything. Not that it's easy to do, I know.
Hugs to you, my sister.
My dear identity confused sistuh,
First of all, I'd have thought you were charismatic catholic. Which might be a cool option to consider. Or the Ecumenical Catholic Church??? Don't you get all the bells and whistles of Catholicism without the elitist attitude?
I too have been where you are dear sister...having never made the transition from Pentecostalism to Orthodoxy or something that more closely resembles Catholicism "before "turning Catholic" and becoming a Franciscan I too, was given up for flakey...or, from SOME family members, given up FOR DEAD (which would have been a preferred fate to "turning Catholic" in their humble-yet-mindless opinions)
All that to say, you're not alone. Been there, felt that...thought I was gonna die. Yet here I am...happily Franciscan and ... alas, without a single doctrinal label to wear. I rather like it this way.
You are in my heart and prayers...I am confident that God knows where you belong...even if you don't.
Trust the process, dear one...in God's economy, nothing is ever wasted..not our pain, not our confusion...nothing.
Your search reminds me so much of the Tolkien quote: "Not all who wander are lost."
There's a lot of grace in that thought.
Mair,
I'd call you a Jesus-follower, and I have confidence that His voice will lead you to the place He wants you. Here's an encouraging Scripture:
"But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired" (1 Cor 12:18).
He'll place you where He desires you to be.
from a much bigger "flake":
if it makes you feel any better, i was born roman catholic but didn't get it, by God's grace experienced a *profound*, 180-degree conversion in 1994; and have since-- in relentless pursuit of our Beloved-- been congregational, foursquare, amish-mennonite, calvary chapel, liberal mennonite, roman catholic, antiochian orthodox, calvary chapel, lutheran, greek orthodox, free will baptist, calvary chapel, charismatic episcopal (briefly) and now back to roman catholic on sat. nite/calvary chapl on sun. morn... and i'm pretty sure i forgot a few, too.
my longsuffering husband and poor, confused children have long since given up on me with regard to "denomination," but our Lord hasn't given up on me-- nor you-- at all! :-)
You guys are so great. Thanks so much, all of you, and those of you who wrote me privately. I love hearing from you, especially when you tell me your stories.
Love your word, Wes. But I'd have a time of spelling it!
And Paula Clare, your bewitching new icon cracks me up.
Keep talking to me, y'all. I need this.
I, too, have flirted with the idea of becoming Roman Catholic but Marian Theology is difficult for me to accept.
The hyper-conservative Orthodox would slam me for saying it, but you already are in communion with the Catholic Church. The Catholic missal invites Orthodox to receive communion (it's just that many Orthodox would tell you not to accept the invitation). So why bother joining them officially? Just be promiscuous :-)
PS-- I love some Catholic authors too, but after reading a book about the priest sex scandals, I'll never have a desire to join their structure...
--Sam T.
Hi Mair,
When you come right down to it I don't know how much it matters. I think it matters to us know because we live in this world and we need to find a place here. But I don't think that when we get to heaven it will be sectioned off; the Catholics get the front right, the protestants have to sit behind them, the orthodox across from them, etc etc. I empathize with you confusion. If I just read your non denominational posts I think I would interpret you as Pentecostal actually. I don't know why. That's just what I thought when I first began reading your blog.
I think that your "spiritual identity crisis", though uncomfortable is a good place to be. You are figuring out where you fit in the body of Christ. I think all Christians should struggle with it because if you don't how can we identify with a world who looks at us and says "Why are there Catholic, Protestant, Anglican, etc? Why can't you just be one." Personally I will be happy when we are all one and we can get beyond the labels and embrace Gof the Father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit, as they have already embraced us.
Agape
Jonea
I've long thought of you as Pilgrim.
I pray that never changes :)
I love the implication of your husband's observation, "It probably won't be your last stop." I don't think it's a reason for shame, rather a humble acknowledgement that you are searching and that life with God, like all relationships, is a journey. May we never find our "last stop" on this earth.
And I love your heart for unity! It's a desire that many have imagined institutional solutions might satisfy. And yet, no humanly arranged institution can contain, much less unify, Christ's body.
Press on sister... Just Jesus and His kingdom - wherever you are, Orthodox, Catholic, or whatever may follow. "I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. I have no good besides You. As for Your holy ones who are on earth, they are the majestic ones in whom I delight!" (Psalm 16:2-3)
Peace in Christ! Glad I found your blog!
This is such a great conversation for me--for us--because again, I think it amplifies just how much we all have in common.
It also reveals that so many of us crave unity. The priest I met with, Fr. Joseph, told me that it was Pope John Paul II's dream for unity by the year 2000. He made several efforts, I was told, and I suppose that he, like Jesus, is still praying for it.
Listening to you all is refreshing and comforting, and maybe a little scary.
Sam, I agree, I'm not particularly eager to join a church that is rife with scandal. That was my concern with the Anglican communion. It seems ripe for a schism.
I wish I could avoid all the politics and just love on Jesus somewhere, celebrating the Eucharist with any believer at the table.
Lord, have mercy.
I wish this were simple. Thank you all for your input.
I thought right away of Rich Mullins when I read this post. Here is a bit of his thoughts:
"My openness to Catholicism was very scary to me because, whenyou grow up in a church where they don't even put up a cross, amny things were foreign to me. I went to an older Protestant gentleman that I've respected for years and years, and I asked him "when does faithfulness to Jesus call us to lay aside our biases and when does it call us to stand beside them?" His answer to me was that it is not about being Catholic or Protestant. It is about being faithful to Jesus. The issue is not about which church you go to, it is about following Jesus where He leads you."
God bless you as you discern His leading.
Oh Mair,
The desperate desire to follow Jesus and the painful confusion that results as we search for "where we fit it", without compromising commitment to sound doctrine, is a struggle I know all too well. As one of those pesky sola-scriptura types, (and having been brought up Catholic and being rejected by my family when I was "born again",) naturally I have biases on this issue....and I'll keep my opinion on Thomas Merton and Teresa of Avila to myself....(ducking flying tomatoes here...) but the angst I do relate to - all to well.
How I tried to be a Pentecostal; to have that "direct line to God"; to be part of the "inner circle". Then I thought I could be a Bapticostal; and I struggled with the pain of thinking God was rejecting me. And here I am again, back to being a boring old evangelical, sola-scriptura disciple trying to remember God's revealed Himself to us in His Word and steadfast obedience trumps ecstatic experience. Anyone who's been through it knows how lonely and often painful that growth is.
The only thing I can say is, stay in the Word and keep seeking HIM - not religion, not ritual, not superstition (I know that you are not; but sometimes people get side-tracked by those things we add to our relationship with God.) Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions, and always, no matter what denomination you're looking at, remember to ask yourself how it's teachings line up with Scripture.
I love you!!!
Ha! Don't you go hatin' on my Thomas Merton and Teresa of Avila. We got a warm fuzzy love thang goin' on, Marie.
But I love you, girl.You know I do.
When you start labelling yourself, people put you in a box. But you are more complex than that.
Live in Christ. He certainly didn't fit into the box. Everyone had their expectations and agendas but his concern was to do the will of the Father.
I simply say I am a Christian. I follow Jesus Christ.
Doh! Gaaaaah! Auuuuuuuugh!!!!!!!
Mair! I read this blog post and had to step away and grieve and pray, before leaving a comment.
I know there is nothing, nothing, nothing that I, an almost-tranger, can say to you.
Shall I enumerate all the reasons, from an Orthodox perspective, not to be Roman Catholic?
I don't think that is what you want to hear.
But please, think long and hard before leaving your vows to the Orthodox Church. It's like a marriage. It should be for life. This is a conversation you should be having with your priest, and NOT your bloggers.
The thing that keeps coming to my mind is this thought: We love what we feed on. There's been lots of Catholic love happening in your heart because that is what is on your plate, on your bedside table, in your mind. That's what you've been reading and feeding on.
What about St. Maria Skobostova? What about St. John of Kronstadt? What about St. Xenia of Petersburg? Have you forgotten our beloved St. Seraphim of Sarov and St. Herman of Alaska? There are fools and saints aplenty right here at home, and even in this day and age.
And the Orthodox Church NEEDS those of us who are praying hard for unity. The Orthodox Church NEEDS those of us who have a heart for social justice issues (even when we don't know how to put stuff in to practice all the time). The Orthodox Church NEEDS down-to-earth types. The Orthodox Church needs those who are willing to go shoulder to shoulder with Catholics and Protestants to work God's good will in the world while still being faithful Orthodox Christians.
Ok. I have no more words.
Blessings on your hide, as my good friend Xenia likes to say.
Hi Alana,
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Don't worry. You have no need to enumerate the reasons I should not leave the Orthodox Church. I've got a head full of those. And not for one moment have I forgotten my vows. That's why this is so hard for me.
I do want to address something else you said. My blog is has *always* been about my spiritual journey. I began it as a way to deal with the struggles of brokenness. I think it's very appropriate to talk to the readers about this. Not to the exclusion of talking to a priest, but as a affirmation of how much we, the body of Christ, belong to each other. I don't think I've ever made an important decision because I thought it was what my blog readers wanted. But I know I've gotten countless emails from brothers and sister struggling along in the dark who said, "Me, too." And that "me too" for some has been one of very few witnesses to them that God was still present, even in their mess.
I'm getting those same emails, privately, because I've been sharing this struggle. And I gain the perspective, and sometime rebuke! Of people I would otherwise have no way of knowing. This has been a gift to me.
I know it's not a call for everyone to share so much of their life. It seems to be my call, however. And Jesus blesses it. Trust me, there is plenty I don't blog about. But yeah, I blog beyond what many would. I blog 'til it hurts.
As for the Orthodox faithful, they are lined up to talk to me about this. Fr. Leo and I will have plenty of talks.
Again, thanks for your concern.
mair
Mair,
I commented on this yesterday, but it is no longer here. ???
I'd bet Jesus calls you "His Child" and is not concerned about your "denomination". All through the Bible, God talks about wanting your heart in Christ, not your affiliation. That's what it's all about...nothing more and nothing less. All else falls into place when He has you by the heart.
Hope this helps and doesn't disappear again,
Holy Guacamole, Jennifer! I saw your comment yesterday. What the heck happened to it??? I didn't remove it. But I do thank you. Doubly, for coming back and saying it again.
God bless you!
Well, Mair, I almost thought I was going a touch crazy, but I'm pretty passionate about this heart thing. I struggle through this for years and years. And only when I reached the end of my self-sufficiency, AND reliance on "man/humankind" did I get to the beginning of God, and His presence and purpose in my life.
God will show you and see you through this. Cling to Him, and no one or nothing else.
Blessings, sister,
I'm coming into this conversation late, as I've been away from blogland a few days.
You know a bit of my past, Mair. The journey from being raised as Protestant Pentecostal, to being a pastor's wife, into the Charismatic Episcopal Church (and wife of a priest), and now into the Catholic Church.
All I can say is, God has a home for you. Don't stop searching. Questions aren't bad. They keep our soul open to whatever next step God has for us.
You have my e-mail if you need to chat...
P.S. We attend St. Raphael's in Garden City when we're up that way. Would it be too incredible to meet up and attend there even once together...????
here's an *awesome* website for ya:
www.savior.org
peace + blessings in Christ Jesus!
I love your blog, your honesty and openness. It reaches out and says, "we're on this road together; our experiences, though not the same are similar; let's walk together, talk together, and ... who is this that walks with us now? It is the Lord on the road to Emmaus; He has come to join our discussion and journey."
I grew up conservative evangelical independent (withdrew from the association) Protestant (I call it CEIP). Worked for a United Methodist church and was confronted with the hollowness of many of the tenets of my denominational faith. Began to ask questions. Got, and keep getting, answers.
Worked for another church that was part of a group that had separated from the Methodists in 1939; never turned into a denomination nor do they church plant -- still that same 39 congregations that stepped out in 1939.
Then moved, halfway across the country and met and married a Lutheran. We've attended both liturgical and non-liturgical Lutheran churches.
Then we moved again. And are not very actively engaged in looking for a home church -- we're feeling depressed about the possibility of finding a church that is Spirit led, non-legalistic and ... my husband wants to stay a Lutheran even though he'll admit that many churches seem to just go through the liturgical motions without the heart or understanding.
I admit I don't want to be a CEIP again, though. I couldn't live with the legalism again; I flee it now.
Recently, I posted some hard questions about my faith at my blog. And started getting answers. Don't know why that surprised me. I know from past experience that God tends to answer my questions, and since this one concerns Him and my relationship to Him, He definitely takes an interest in the answer I come up with.
And, to partly answer my questions -- those spoken, written and unspoken and unwritten -- He led me to a series of laity courses at one of the Lutheran seminaries. While I still have enough of my conservative non-sacramental upbringing in me to make it very hard to "get my head around" some of the sacramental concepts -- I find I am delighted to find exactly what I believe the Gospel to be. Right in the midst of Lutheran teaching (though I haven't seen this in any of the Lutheran churches we've attended in the last nine years) --
The gospel is "Complete Radicality" -- in that God meets us right where we are, does the entire work of salvation without any input from us, is not legalistic and the only requirement is to trust Him completely.
In this I can rest. And with that as my foundation, I can worship and fellowship in any gathering of Believers --regardless of the denomination or liturgical style. I can meet God in any gathering of two or more who meet in His name.
I can share the Table with any of my Brothers and Sisters, anywhere -- whether they have made a rule that would bar me from sharing with them or not, unless the priest asks me as I step up "Are you a Catholic?" or "Are you Orthodox?", I just don't bother to tell them. ("Don't ask, don't tell.")
My favorite writers are Anglican and Catholic too. And that encourages me. It doesn't make me want to be Anglican or Catholic. But it encourages me because their insights defy the narrow-mindedness and legalistic POV I grew up with that says "They really aren't 'real' Christians, you know." Really?
Now I am beginning to wonder about the CEIPs.
In the meantime, consider wherever the Lord puts you to be a Family Reunion every time you gather in His name.
I'll be praying for you, Sister! I can truly relate to your questions and search. (And sorry this got so long ...)
Love ya!
Oh, darlin', we haven't communicated lately, but I HEAR YOU so loud and clear! I still love the EO, but every few weeks, I end up in the RC mass, loving that, too. Oh, may these two lungs begin functioning together as a body should. I would long for the day when either/or is perfectly acceptable on any given day.
I still haven't gotten into your St. Francis. Can't concentrate to read much, right now. We've been having health issues that just barely keep my head above the water ... like the pic of the cat just hanging on by his little claws.
Blessings, Claudia!
Sally
youre an amazing person regardless what religion you are. you are 100% dedicated & committed to the Lord & i guess thats all that matters.
Post a Comment