Sunday, July 22, 2007
The Unpretty Moment
And it had something to do with this piccha.
I love this piccha. I took it the day I bleached my hair. I bleached my hair for my husband. You may not be able to tell from this photo, but I was wretchedly miserable the day I took this picture. I had told Ken I was going to separate from him, and I hadn't made such a drastic decision in 10 years of our 11 year marriage.
Sometimes you change something on the outside because it just seems easier than all the stuff that needs repairing on the inside. I took the picture because Ken and I were barely speaking to each other. I wanted to stun him. I asked the girlfriends how it looked. I told them it was my last ditch effort to get his attention. I wanted to look pretty. I had to lie down in my bed and hold the computer just so to get the lighting effect right. The camera on my iMac is kinda crappy. The light in my bedroom is not so hot. I wanted the piccha to look good. The girlfriend's were all praying. They thought I did good.
Tonight, for whatever reason, after a long day of work, I had an unpretty moment. I thought of someone I should not think of. Ever. I sent this piccha to him. No text. Just this piccha. I have had my heart broken by this person more times that I like to think about. His foot print is imprinted on my heart. If I were capable of hating a human being, he and demon lover would be the very two humans I would hate, and he never laid a violent hand on me. But he did damage, lovies. A lot of damage to this woman's soul. I had this strange moment of anger and I sent him my one damned pretty picture. My best shot. Just to show him. I don't know what it was. Maybe for a moment I just wanted his approval. Something. But you know. I won't get it. And after I pushed that send button I knew it. He won't think I'm pretty. Not at all. And then I got so sad, and angry at myself for that moment of weakness. And even as I type this I feel so sad that I'm just crying for Mair because there are some people who don't deserve my attention and I just keep giving it to them anyway. And that's just tragic.
Yesterday, at Art Fair, I picked up this booklet about Padre Pio, and it had this wonderful prayer in it that touched my heart so much, and today, oddly, that same prayer came in the mail unexpectedtly, from a whole different source for me today. I don't think there are any coincidences in the kingdom of God. Not that kind. So, it has to be my prayer. It sure does work for me, especially in this very unpretty moment right now.
My brothers and sisters in Christ. Forgive me for such a silly, foolish error in my most unpretty moment.
Here's my, and Padre Pio's prayer:
Stay with me, Lord, for it is necessary to have you present so that I do not forget you. You know how easily I abandon you.
Stay with me, Lord, because I am weak, and I need your strength that I may not fall so often.
Stay with me, Lord, for You are my life, and without you, I am in darkness.
Stay with me Lord, to show me Your will.
Stay with me Lord, so that I hear Your voice and follow you.
Stay with me Lord, for I desire to love You very much, and always be in Your company.
Stay with me Lord, if You wish me to be faithful to You.
Stay with me Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You, a nest of Love.
Stay with me, Jesus, for it is getting late, and the day is coming to a close, and life passes, death, judgment, eternity approaches. It is necessary to renew my strength, so that I will not stop along the way and forget that I need You. It is getting late and death approaches. I fear the darkness, the temptations, the dryness, the cross, the sorrows. O how I need You, my Jesus, in this night of exile!
Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need You.
Let me recognize You as Your disciples did at the breaking of bread, so that the Eucharistic Communion be the Light which disperses the darkness, the force which sustains me, the unique joy of my heart.
Stay with me, Lord, because at the hour of my death, I want to remain united to You, if not by Communion, at least by grace and love.
Stay with me, Jesus. I do not ask for divine consolation, because I do not merit it, but the gift of Your Presence, oh yes, I ask this of You!
Stay with me, Lord, for it is You alone I look for, Your love, Your Grace, Your Will, Your Heart, Your Spirit, because I love You and ask no other reward but to love You more and more.
With a firm love, I will love You with all my heart while on earth and continue to love You perfectly during all eternity. Amen.
And I'll say one more time, because I don't think you said it enough Padre Pio, STAY WITH ME JESUS.
Amen, Amen, Amen.
Thanks for listening, y'all.
silly, ridiculous, very human and frail Mair
p.s. I dyed my hair black again two days ago. I was so over being blonde.