Okay. I've talked to you about the Dark Night of the Soul. Endlessly. Till even I was sick of talking about it, but for people who are bipolar, and that's me, even though I love to pretend I'm not. I like to think I'm "quirky" or "edgy" or "eccentric." Well, for people like me there's a polar opposite to the Dark Night, and that's the Really Really Bright Sunny Incredible Day of the Soul.
And it's a great day. A wowza, this feels so good day! At first.
You may feel like you can do anything. You may find yourself wildly, unrealistically productive. You may devour books--even though you can't pay attention to them--finish novels in record time, crank out poetry, make artwork, take an untold number of pictures of yourself with your new computer "blknsexy", write letters--many of them sounding like a Robin Williams improv. You may be witty and winsome and even wise. And you may believe yourself to be quite brilliant. At first. Might I add you will do all these things while completely neglecting other things you are supposed to be doing. Those things may become completely unimportant to you.
And then you may turn irritable. You completely over-react to everything! Good or bad. You may drive too fast and almost rear end the poor souls in front of you. You may lose everything. You may not be able to find a single pair of matching shoes. You may forget appointments. You lose all sense of the concept of "time". You may lose words--lose confidence as quickly as you passed it out before, lose heart. You think of people who shouldn't be on your radar. You call them. Three times in one day. You follow your three calls with an email you never should have sent after the three calls you never should have made. You cuss too much. You even say the f-word and you don't say the f-word. You think you are not a Christian. You say horrible things to people you love and have to apologize. You have an insatiable sexual appetite that's way beyond your normal insatiable sexual appetite. You think you are not a Christian. You think you are not a Christian, and worse, you think you are not a Christian. This is a classic hypomanic episode on the way down to the depressive episode.
You stay in bed all day thinking you are not a Christian. You don't shower or brush your teeth, or put on clothes. You want to cry, but you are way too tired. You want to rage, but you are way too tired. You want to die, but you are way too tired. You think you are not a Christian, even though you keep telling God you are sorry. Your curl up in a ball and you think Lord have mercy, not even having the wherewithall to say it.
Lord have mercy.
It's just a thought.
That's where I am today.
I hate this. I hate that my mind rises and converges and these wild fires burn inside of me. I hate this.
There are times that I just want to be the really nice lady. The one who doesn't blurt out inappropriate things. The one who doesn't become "too much." Sometimes I just want to be blessedly normal. And I'm not normal, and I hate it.
But you know, Jesus loves me, whacked out brain and all. This is the only brain I have. Whether I medicate it, feed it herbs, exercise, whatever! I still have to follow Jesus. I still have to give him my life. My brain. My sins. I still have to love and be in relationships and love Him. We ask Jesus to come into our hearts. Today I need him to come into my brain. Clean up the place. I need him in my heart, too. There's a lot of bad stuff going on in there along with the crazy brain, and God I'm just tired.
I really am.
Mair
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11 comments:
God bless you, girlfriend. God fill you anew with His wonderful Holy Spirit from the top of your head to the soles of your feet. God give you His Shalom and HIS joy. Speaking peace to you. Speaking peace and love to you.
Dear Miss Diva: Thank you so much for sharing the light and the dark of life and explaining in a way that many of us get your message. I am mother to Denise who picked you up from the airport in CO. I love our beautiful state and feel it is the next best place to heaven. I am praying for you and your upcoming novels and the conference in ATL. I say be yourself in all your beauty of spirit, mind, emotions, hair and all. You are blessed by God and a unique gift of God. I look forward to reading your novels. MEW
Aw baby. The way you've been running yourself ragged writing, I'm not surprised you got blindsided by an episode. I'm so sorry. I'm praying it's a short one.
Oh Wow...thanks for your incrdible honesty. Raw, real & naked. I follow your blog and wait sometimes for days for you to speak again when silence consumes you & you disappear off the radar screen. This helps me understand better...my heart aches for you but I know that God will rescue you, again. I don't know why it has to get so frighteningly hard, but I know He is BIGGER than whatever hounds us and knocks us down. You touch my heart at a really deep level. I haven't even been able to find your books yet where I live, but Jesus has spoken to me and mentored me through your blog. I will pray that His rescue will come quickly...that He will quiet you with His love...that you will hear what He is singing over you even right now. Blessings...
I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. Someone really close to me suffers from this very thing. He has it fairly well under control through meds but every now and then I see it coming. I know the signs. It is miserable depending on the day. I love you. Hang in there and know that my prayers are with you.
thank you for this insight and window into your world. i always learn from you. be still dear friend, be still. love you!
I traveled to your blog via Lisa, and I am so touched by your courage in ripping yourself open so we can see your terrors and triumphs. I have a duaghter with Down's Syndrome whose very life reminds me that we're all retarded; it's just a matter of degrees. So, once again, Jesus reminds me that we are all mark downs in the retail of life---it's just a matter of degrees. I look forward to visiting your blog often. Am now going to search for your books---
Absolutely ditto everything everyone else already said. Just know that no matter who you are or how you're behaving you are loved. But I think you already know that. And I, for one, think you may be the most Christian person I know. You're real. You're honest. You're humble. And you follow Jesus.
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Romans 8:28-31
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything,, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Ah, but I 'get' you. I've been there, too. I thank God for you. Praying for you.
Wow. I am so touched and amazed by this post. I am also a Christian living with bipolar disorder. Reading your words really brought comfort to me, knowing that I'm not just 'imagining' these issues, and that someone else feels the way I do about God despite it all. You inspire me. Thank you for being so candid and true. You've blessed me with your being so real and open. I'm adding you to my blog list, because you are a trophy for God and I want to share your story.
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