I'm sick. I knew I was sick. Knew I was getting sicker, but I couldn't stop it.
Once I caught a falling knife.
I was washing the dishes. The dish rack was weighted by a load of dishes that should have already been put away, but I hate washing dishes, and I hate shelving them more. So I was stacking more dishes onto the overburdened rack, and that was so much like my life. My thoughts. My crazy brain. And this knife, this brand new knife I'd just purchased dislodged from from it's snug posture amid the silverware and went on a suicidal mission toward the ground.
Only knives don't die, do they?
But you'd think they did. You'd think knives were most delicate fragile things the way I startled, the way my hand, wet and soapy reached out to save it. And I did save it. I caught that knife in the nick of time but it's sharp teeth bit into the flesh of my pinkie so quickly that for a moment I didn't even feel it.
But I saw a bloom of red spreading across my fingers, dripping onto the floor. I put my hand to my face in horror. And for a moment I couldn't believe I'd done something that dumb! I tried to catch a knife!
That's what I feel like today. Like something in my soul is falling, something sharp and dangerous and somebody's is going to get hurt if I don't shut down right now.
I don't want to hurt anybody.
I can't stop crying.
I used up every bit of happy face I had left and there is nothing here now but this sickness and this prayer, "Will you please take it away?"
But He won't take it away. He never does.
So I'm going away until I feel well enough to come back. I'm trying to catch a falling knife so the people I love don't have to.
Mair
Pray for me. And send me a poem.
22 comments:
Sweet girlfriend, I'll be praying for you everyday. And I am right this very minute.
This first thing I'm doing now. The second thing I'll do later.
"There is a silent self within us whose presence is disturbing precisely because it is so silent: it can’t be spoken. It has to remain silent. To articulate it, to verbalize it, is to tamper with it, and in some ways to destroy it." - Thomas Merton
I'm praying that Jesus enters your silence and sits with you there. Wish I could, too.
miss you already!
i am praying even as i type.
here's a poem i posted this week on my blog:
Keeping Quiet
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.
Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.
What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.
Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.
Pablo Neruda - Source: translated by Alistair Reid in Extravagaria
it really helped me. i'm counting to 12 for you!
Sweet sister. I don't have any poems, just caring and concern. You pour so much into others; sounds like you desperately need a drink from the Fountain yourself. Sometimes we do need to just draw back from others and seek Him alone, although the tears come faster and more furiously when there's no-one to "hide behind" in cyberspace.
He loves you so much.....and I'm sending gentle hugs your way. There's no way around it. He has to take us through it.
I will be praying for you and thank God for you.
I know that sick and I know how dark and painful of a place it is.
Praying for you, sweet Mair. Call me if you want to.
Soul of Christ
Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within your wounds hide me.
Separated from you let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me;
and close to you bid me.
That with your saints I may be
Praising you, for all eternity.
Amen.
- a prayer of Saint Ignatius
A prayer of St. Ignatius:
Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within your wounds hide me.
Separated from you let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me;
and close to you bid me.
That with your saints I may be
Praising you, for all eternity.
Amen.
Zero Circle
by Rumi
Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up. We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we're lying.
If we say No, we don't see it,
that No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit. So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.
many, many prayers to you my friend
"I used up every bit of happy face I had left and there is nothing here now but this sickness and this prayer, "Will you please take it away?" "
Your words made me cry, and my soul sad for you, dear sister.
I haven't written poetry in so, so long. Today, I will give you the words of another.
Daily Prayer (from the Optina Monastery, Russia)
My Lord, grant that with Thy Peace I may greet all that this day is to bring.
Grant me grace to surrender myself completely to Thy Holy Will.
In every hour of this day, instruct and guide me in all things.
Whatever tidings I may receive during this day, teach me to accept tranquilly, in the firm belief that Thy Holy Will governs all.
Govern my thoughts and feelings in all I do and say.
When unforeseen things occur, let me not forget that all is sent by Thee.
Teach me to behave sincerely and reasonably toward everyone, that I may bring sorrow and confusion to no one.
Bestow on me, my Lord, strength to endure the fatigue of the day, and to bear my part in its events.
Guide my will, and teach me to pray, to believe, to hope, to suffer, to forgive, and to love. Amen.
________________
I, too, have faced the darkness, dear sister. My prayers are with you. Here's a hug from Ohio.
Mair, I wanted to let you know how much you have meant to me, even this very day! I was thinking it, and then it occurred to me--she's not feeling well right now, you should let her know. Face to face, I've only met you for about 10 seconds at the ACFW conference last fall. But about a year ago I asked on the ACFW loop for someone to read a couple of sample chapters of a new manuscript. You volunteered, gave me some great feedback, and really seemed to like it. The Genesis contest results were released today and I didn't final. I was really down about it, but then I thought--wait a minute. Claudia Mair Burney liked it, and she's a FABULOUS writer. So thank you so much for giving your time to me, and for being such an encouragement to me today when I really needed it. I have been praying for you today and know that God will give you strength and joy again.
Jesus, catch the knives.
Not only the ones that drop
sharp toward our soft hands
But those flung in rage
my minions of the enemy
straight for the softest flesh
of our open heart
and worse
the ones shoved
carelessly
into our back
from those we have walked with in trust and love
Your flesh
already pierced
already scarred
can catch the knives
and save us
when we can't save ourselves.
Jesus, catch the knives
I live in the shadow. I am learning not to fight the dark days, but to embrace them, accept them, and allow myself healing.
Sometimes I think I dive into the safety of my shadow, other times I think God calls me to rest and heal.
He teaches me through th laws of nature. Did you know it is impossible to be stuck in one place if you are moving?
Be gentle with yourself. When you are ready take a walk in God's beautiful nature and invite Him along.
Peace to you, my friend.
You don't know me from Adam, or in this case, Eve, but I've discovered you thanks to following a link at Lisa Samson's blog. I have been so blessed by your blog writings and your courage to be real.
I don't have any poetry at this time, but I will be praying to the Father of all poetry, the one who loves you SO MUCH and is crazy about you.
With love because of Him,
Elysa Mac
I love you, Mair.
Mair, I'm sending a prayer and a big hug. I was just gushing about your talent to a certain editor and she gushed right back. It was a Claudia Mair Burney love fest. I think you're amazing. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Wow! I searched for you after reading your book to tell you how much I enjoyed it and waiting with raw anticipation on your next novel--to find that you are in need. I certainly pray for your strength in the Lord that he will heal and deliver you from whatever you are dealing with.
I know you know that Jesus loves YOu--Lean on HIM!!!
I am so sorry you're sick. Claudia, that knife is better left to fall. It's blade will cut ou soul and all. Allow it's steel to hit the floor, for when it lays flat it's easier to handle. Sometimes we try so hard to fix things ourselves we leave no room for God to move. My dear sister in Christ, move over. God has got you in sickness and health in weakness and strength. Take care
I found you via Chip.
You are in my prayers, Mair. And here is a poem for you:
Our fragile net had been pierced
and for a moment
--like the blood --
the sides bloomed out wildly.
We looked at each other in shock (in pain)
Torn wide open, hands suddenly flailing
frightened we might not be able to close the rip (reach out)
But sister, look --
when we looked again the net got bigger, reinforced
by those waiting, those caught in time just before it broke (they stood up!)
They ran into place and held out their hands to us and fixed the tear(s).
**
Be strengthened through our prayers for you.
Be edified in the waters of Jesus Christ.
We are with you.
Psalm 22
Here are a few excerpts (Contemporary English Version)...
v1"My God, my God, why have you deserted me? Why are you so far away? Won't you listen to my groans and come to my rescue?"
v4"Our ancestors trusted you, and you rescued them."
v11"Don't stay far away when I am in trouble with no one to help me."
v24"The Lord doesn't hate or despise the helpless in all of their troubles. When I cried out, He listened and didn't turn away."
Remember although we may not feel that God is there with us. He is! Remember Psalm 23. He will guide you through the valley of the shadow of death. He promises never to leave you nor forsake you.
'Lord I pray a blessing of hope, faith (believe on the Lord and you shall be saved), and love (that is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, rejoices in truth etc.) on my sister Claudia. Lord let the knowledge of the salvation of Christ in her life reassure her of the peace you have given her. I pray she no longer looks at the turmoil around her that is causing her to sink but that she looks to you Lord Jesus. Amen'
What SP said. :) I'm feeling a bit sharp and glinty myself today. Thank you for all the times you've caught my sharp and flailing soul.
much love,
mary
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