Sunday, May 20, 2007
I'll be back
I'm sick. I knew I was sick. Knew I was getting sicker, but I couldn't stop it.
Once I caught a falling knife.
I was washing the dishes. The dish rack was weighted by a load of dishes that should have already been put away, but I hate washing dishes, and I hate shelving them more. So I was stacking more dishes onto the overburdened rack, and that was so much like my life. My thoughts. My crazy brain. And this knife, this brand new knife I'd just purchased dislodged from from it's snug posture amid the silverware and went on a suicidal mission toward the ground.
Only knives don't die, do they?
But you'd think they did. You'd think knives were most delicate fragile things the way I startled, the way my hand, wet and soapy reached out to save it. And I did save it. I caught that knife in the nick of time but it's sharp teeth bit into the flesh of my pinkie so quickly that for a moment I didn't even feel it.
But I saw a bloom of red spreading across my fingers, dripping onto the floor. I put my hand to my face in horror. And for a moment I couldn't believe I'd done something that dumb! I tried to catch a knife!
That's what I feel like today. Like something in my soul is falling, something sharp and dangerous and somebody's is going to get hurt if I don't shut down right now.
I don't want to hurt anybody.
I can't stop crying.
I used up every bit of happy face I had left and there is nothing here now but this sickness and this prayer, "Will you please take it away?"
But He won't take it away. He never does.
So I'm going away until I feel well enough to come back. I'm trying to catch a falling knife so the people I love don't have to.
Pray for me. And send me a poem.
Posted by ragamuffin diva at 2:31 PM