In some ways, I'm still on M-14, spinning, spinning, spinning around. My soul, my life, the whole wide world has spun right off of its axis and it's still going fast and I'm feeling sick, and I can't make it stop. Everything is out of control.
In some ways, I'm still on that median strip of land, turning over, and over, and over and everything is breaking all around me. Glass is flying in my hair and I keep bumping my head, thinking
But it just keeps turning, and turning, and turning, only now I don't have on a seat belt, and I bounce like a baby's sock left behind in the dryer. And the dryer is on by accident. All of this is by accident.
It really was the end of the world as I knew it. Or at least I think it was. Because I'm feeling, no, I know I don't know anything. I'm certain that I don't know, and now I'm lying because I'm not certain about anything. Maybe I do know. You see what I mean?
I use to think I was honest, but I'm not. My mask may just be a little thinner than some. I use to think I knew something about God, but I don't. I am the nontheologian. I don't know anything about God and I don't study Him. She is a mystery. I don't know at all.
Sometimes, I make myself into a tiny ball and find myself encircled in a womb made of warm hands that are vaguely familiar. Sometimes I hear whispers in a language that makes no sense except to some quiet place hidden inside of me that I can't get to yet. Sometimes a distant Lover steals kisses and makes me long to reach out to Him in my darkness and pull Him inside of me. But He teases me, and disappears before I can take Him fully into myself.
Sometimes I want to spin around, but not like in that big honkin' man car. I want to spin around like Rumi in God love. I want to spin, and spin, and spin while poems fly out of my mouth. Until I crash into you, laughing and singing in your ear like God's troubadour.
Don't you think the world needs a few more troubadours, of the God kind?
But don't listen to me.
I use to think I was a holy fool. Now I just think I'm a fool, but I don't know.
I don't know anything.
I've lost my head, by accident.