Thursday, April 12, 2007

And Speaking of Beautiful Messes...

I have to go out today. It's been six days since "The Accident". I haven't been outside of my house since it happened , and truth be told, I've scarcely been outside of my bedroom.

In some ways I've felt like I've been through a war, and I've got the post-traumatic stress syndrome to prove it. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I could be so dead right now. And I seem a little more afraid of everything than grateful for everything, though I am grateful, don't get me wrong.

Today the insurance adjuster called with news of our settlement. Right after that Ken called the car dealership and Jere asked us to come in and get big honkin' man car number 2.

I don't wanna go!

I don't wanna get another big honkin' man car!

I don't even want a small, manageable car that will never ever roll over. 3 times.

Walking has taken on new meaning for me. I can walk and contemplate with my new boyfriend Thomas Merton. I can explore the beauty of nature and find God in it, just like Betty Skinner did in The Hidden Life. And I can do it all in brand new walking shoes. This is a marvelous, new, walking revelation.

But, oh, you should see him. Ken is excited. He is energetic. He is itching for big honkin' man car number 2. He can't wait.

But he is going to have to drag me out of this bed kicking and screaming.

Holy Cow! He's going to do it!
He's coming right at me.

He's moving toward the computer!

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I don't want another big honkin' man car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to go outside.
I just want to stay in bed and be little.
And walk.
But only when I feel like it.

9 comments:

Heidi Renee said...

oh i'm so glad you're safe!

keeping our feet on the terra firma is a good thing!

it reminds me of a small story i heard today about the fool... a fool looses his donkey and gets down on his knees to thank god. a man comes along and says 'you fool - why are you thanking god for loosing your donkey?'

the fool says "because i was not on it - if i had been i'd be lost too'

i'm thankful you lost big man car #1 and not you dear raga friend.

Katy said...

I wouldn't wanna go out, either! Hey, my daughter's fiance totaled his car in December. He wasn't hurt, but he was so upset by the accident (he still doesn't know where the other car came from....) that he didn't drive for a full week. And he's just a young, strong man! You really have been through a genuine trauma, Claudia. Not a small thing!!

Love, Katy www.fallible.com

Joni said...

I know they always said, "If you fall off, you have to get right back on." I've never been much for that adage, though.

Prayers ascending, dear friend!

Anonymous said...

Strong suggestion: Don't accept any settlement from the insurance company until you talk to a lawyer, just to be sure you are proceeding correctly. The lawyer will help you for free. Nothing to lose. It's even more important to get guidance before accepting anything from any insurance company--if someone else caused the accident. Meanwhile, I'm so glad you're okay!

Shanna said...

Welll...as we say down south here: a horse at'll buck ya that bad, you just gotta get back up onit. Don't have no choice 'bout that. Jes' get back onit.

Ken's got the getbackonit thing going. (Of course, he's not the one who got bucked.)

But he's right. Getbackonit, girl. We're all living the beautiful lie that we know tomorrow will come. But believing it the only way we stay sane, I don't care HOW much you're counting on the sweet by-and-by. We're more invested in the promise of the here and tomorrow. I know I am.

So freak all you want, lady, but hold those reigns like a rodeo queen!

Nancy said...

I love you Mair. Jesus will take the fear, and in the meantime He will hold you close to His heart.It is a process as I am sure you know. (been there a long time ago)and driving across this country and yours all alone and loving it now. Your voice and your powerful writing will not be silenced. How are the children?

ragamuffin diva said...

The children are great, Nancy. Ken and took them out to dinner yesterday and I assure you, they were completely, irritatingly themselves. Thanks be to God!

I love you to. Thanks for your kind, well wishes.

Paula said...

How did I miss all these amazing posts? I thought you took off longer than you did.

Hey--get out there and pick out a big honkin car that'll hold the kids. One of these day you and I will both get our little yellow bugs to drive around without a car full of kids. Mine's gonna have a big daisy painted on the back.

And no fear. Gotta get back on the horse so to speak, girl friend. You know where fear comes from. You've helped me chase my own fears away and told me I had to be brave with Jesus.

Go for a spin, sweet diva. Embrace that big, honkin' car.

Joni said...

You've really been on my heart the past couple of days. Please remember that the fear is not from God...He gives power, love, and a sound mind. Take it one step at a time, and let Him walk you through this time of healing.

Love you, dear sister, and surrounding you with my prayers!