Two days ago I woke up at 7:30 pm. That wasn't a typo. I awakened to start my day as it was becoming night. I can't tell you how badly I felt about it. A wave of self-loathing and shame rippled through me and I could hardly stand myself.
I'm in the thick of the night. It's early for it, but it is what it is. It didn't take long for things to go south since I start my day at night and with a heaping dose of self-hate. Before the night was over, I'd cried incessantly, frightened everyone in the house, and seriously considered exiting stage left, only a long time ago I made a promise to me not to murder myself. Even though I've had three attempts, I've managed to keep my promise for the last ten years, no matter how tough things have gotten.
I'm a survivor.
I've been communicating with a friend by email, and she too has experienced this night. She prayed for and exhorted me, and one of the most touching things she said was that I wouldn't loathe a friend who was sick and needed sleep. She said I was doing exactly what God wanted me to do: resting. I just cried and cried when I read that, because I wouldn't loathe a sick friend who was resting. It saddened me that I could not extend to myself the easy grace that I'd liberally offer another.
I've been reading the devotional book God Calling. It's written by "two friends", women who'd gathered together to pray. During these times, Jesus speaks to them, and they wrote the things He said. The entries are all in Jesus words to the friends (to all of us, really). Both women had seen more than there fair share of tragedy, poverty and suffering. I figured I could relate. Because I'd had such extremely harsh days, I missed some of the devotions. I went back and read in a quite space this morning. One entry moved me so deeply:
"Rest in Me. When tired nature rebels it is her call for rest. Rest then, until My Life Power flows through you.
Have no fear for the future. Be quiet, be still, and in that very stillness your strength will come and will be maintained.
The world sees strenght in action. In My Kingdom it is known that strenght lies in quiet. "In quietness and in confidence shall be your strenght." Such a promise! Such glorious fulfillment! The strength of Peace and the Peace of strength. Rest in me. Joy in me."
That's so delicious, isn't it? It's an icon of God's mercy. He really does know all that we can bear. He doesn't despise us when we're weak. It's then that He really shows off. That night, when I hated myself for not waking up, He loved me perfectly as I slept.
I have a lot to learn about Him.