Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

I'm back.

I've been away on a freak out. What is a freak out, you ask? A freak out is what happens when you see your picture on the website of a very large Christian literary agency. Your "author photo", and a bio. I'm right above D. James Kennedy. Hence, the freak out.

It's weird. I hope no one looks at that site and thinks I'm a "Christian Personality." I am a Christian as a matter of grace. I have a personality, and that was just dumb luck. But I don't think I'm a "Christian Personality".

Vikki sent me an e-mail asking for a bio, and then I really freaked out. What in the world do I have to say? So far, what they have up there is "Claudia calls herself the ragamuffin diva. She says she is an unworthy servant, loved by God and amazed by grace." Frankly, I thought that just about summed me up.

I could have mentioned other places that I've been published, but really, they weren't very impressive. I could have said I have a degree, but the truth is, I work in a group home in a job that doesn't use any of the skills I spent a lot of money to get. I'm a classic underachiever, and my own worst enemy to boot. I mean, a few months ago I told Ken I was going to Tattoo School. He didn't dignify that with an answer.

I've been thinking, "What do you want me to do?" in the general direction of God. You'd think that at 40 I would not have to ask that. I should have had my own house, be rooted and comfortable in a career, drive a decent car, and blah, blah, blah. But no. Here I am. Just beginning to bud as a writer. No car. No house. Raggedy clothes because the little money I have usually goes to a book I love, instead of a shirt, pants, or a decent pair of shoes. I see the frustration in my childen because they don't have what many of their friends have. Every Christmas I feel like a dismal, wretched failure.

But in all of this there is God.

I was coming home the other day, and I realized, "I don't know where I am." I was in my own neighborhood, lost and disoriented. We moved here in November, when the cold drives me inward and I curl up in a little ball and hope to survive another dark, cold season. We didn't get out much. Spring came and went too fast, and now it's July, and I've worked and I've traveled, and did almost no writing. I did so little seeing that one day, I looked up and didn't know the way home, or even where home is.

But in all of this, there is God.

Tonight I took a walk. Between the neighborhood street there is a bridge. You cross the highway on it, and it was wild, looking down at cars speeding to their destinations. Beyond the bridge was a park, but ZZ was tired, and she's little, and I didn't want to push her.

Fireflies lit, and extinguished their lights, and lit again. July heat clung to my body like a summer lover's embrace. All around me, the voices of children, and the clack of their flip flops, and the sight of their thin, brown or caramel colored legs. I had everything money couldn't buy in those moments. Enough health to still be walking, air in the lungs to breathe freely, the love of family, and awareness of God in it all.

Suddenly the anxiety I've felt about the remote possibility that I may actually get to be what I've longed to be since I was a child faded.

It's good to know you, God. It's good to be your friend.

Sorry, I've been away so long dear readers. I'll try to do better.

In love and grace,


Dee said...

Good. Now I can stop blogging and finish my second draft. Thanks :)

How are you?

s-p said...

Good to see you back from your freak out. So where is this bio and what is it about? C'mon, put up the URL... inquiring minds want to know and no one will think you're being proud... :)

mindi said...

welcome back!

you've been missed...hope all is well in your world :)

Heather Diane Tipton said...

Welcome back Raga! I've missed you. Was thinking about you the other day... had to pray for you, I was thinking so much.

and yeah... what s-p said... we need a url. ;-)

bobbie said...

how's this 'claudia has more personality than all of these other christians combined!' :)

you go woman - enjoy every minute of it!

Hope said...

You are right at the top of my favourite bloggers' list. I am always blessed by what you write. I often, often think about that photo you posted when you received the Eucharist for the first time. It continues to speak to me.

upwords said...

I missed you. And I like the bio they have up at ALIVE COMMUNICATIONS.COM (but you didn't hear that from me...)

olympiada said...

Hi Mair, thanks for your bravery to say things like 'a summer lover's embrace'. I dare not say that over on my blog!

Heather Diane Tipton said...

LOL Mary! You rock!

Natala said...

welcome back .... much love to you...

markwashere said...

don't catch up too quick, mama. i'm still behind from 3 months ago. i think i should just try to retake your class next year.

by the way... CONGRATULATIONS. :)

Geo said...

I've been thinking, "What do you want me to do?" in the general direction of God.

I believe with all of my heart that He desires us to do that which gives us the most Joy! So be free sis, Daddy has you covered


Carol said...

Again, I am amazed at your writing and can't peel myself away. You are gifted, sister. Keep it up.