Where are You now?
It's midnight, and in the dark You look different. You are a full moon face full of shadows with dark eyes impossible to read. You are quiet, and your silence scares me. You know how we recovering Pentecostals are. We need a God we can hear.
You walk softer. I don't know if I'd feel better if you thundered into the room, shaking the house, and breaking all kinds of locks and chains. Your footfalls thump in the distance, and it is enough to make me aware that You're not gone away, but You seem unreachable, and reticent to be with me.
Are you mad at me?
Can You see me? Can't You see how hard this is? I'm all out of money, and words, and happy faces. I don't have a damn thing to say here, and I don't know why I'm sitting here in a dark room, head rocked with pain, wondering when the prozac will kick in that the doctor *hopes* will take the headaches away.
Don't you see this is killing me? It's not making me stronger. It's killing me.
And I don't have anyone but You. You know that. So come and help me. I know it's my fault, but I need help and I'll try not to get in this much trouble again. I'll try.
Please, God.
Everything hurts. And I don't think I can hold on anymore.
7 comments:
Diva, My heart and soul reach out to you. Your pain is gutwrenching but I am always blessed to be allowed to 'see' your heart.
You are not alone, Claudia. We love you and pray for you and your God, even when He feels silent, is right next to you. Rest my friend. Let go of the pressures that pound you. He adores you. Somehow He will make beauty from the ashes.
Yikes, have you been reading my mail again?
Loved this, and it echo's many of the things in my heart at the moment.
;-)
Oh, Claudia. My sister, I know what you are feeling. I know His silence. I know the questions, and have all but screamed them out to Him, only to be met with further silence. Reading your post is like reading my own journal. I don't have any answers. I don't know why He does this. But please know you're not alone. I'll sit with you in your dark room, in the dark silence.
Love,
Jaime
I know this darkness. I love you.
Blessings,
Mary
In the silence, in the place of seeming isolation, I have come to feel that there is where Abba sits on the floor with me, comes behind and wraps me in His arms and says nothing, but He is full there.
Abba hold Claudia close so she knows it is Your heart beat she hears, Your breath she feels upon her, that You are fully present sitting in that silent dark place with her. She is not alone in the dark. Hold her as she shivers with cold and shakes with the pain. Abba - You are bigger than the darkness so please show her this right now. Thank you Abba
Oh Claudia - I just read this post and I pray that by now Abba has made Himself known to you as Steph prayed...that you would feel His breath upon you, His arms wrapped around you, see His look of love in the faces all around you. And more. Because He always gives us more than we could ask or imagine. So right now, Father, pour out more over Claudia. More love, more peace, more joy than she has ever known before - show her your abundant provision, for You love abundantly and unconditionally. Rest in Him. You are precious to Him and He is there. I know He is. He promised to be.
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