Saturday, May 22, 2004

I Loved A Boy

He was an amazing boy. Bright and warm like the sun, and just as beautiful. I remember the first time I saw him. I thought to myself. "He's out of my league. What could he possibly see in me?" Let me tell you, if it starts with you feeling unworthy of's gonna end badly.

He was my first.

I remember that day with startling detail. I was afraid. I had prayed about it, and I knew that it was not the Lord's will. Our love was a green shoot--fragile and newborn. It didn't matter that I loved him fiercely. Sex is a God thing. It is holy and full of mystery that we mere mortals may never fully understand this side of heaven. Things happen in that joining that are complex, and I was not ready for the peril that would assault my soul through that kind of loving before it's time. The night before, all night long the Lord troubled my sleep with nightmares. When the Lord talks to you all night in dreams to warn you of danger ahead, and you fail to heed His's gonna end badly.

He broke my heart.

Rich Mullins writes, "When you love you can walk on water, just don't stumble on the waves". Not only did I stumble I was overcome by them. I nearly drowned, and washed up on the gritty shore of grief, choking and gasping for air. The loss of him, they boy I loved--my sun, devastated my delicate heart. It was two years before the raw and throbbing ache was dulled so that I could bear it. Then I tucked my sorrow deep within my heart. Oh, children of God, don't hide your grief. It will demand release, and the God who loves you, will require you to surrender it to Him.

The boy returned.

Only he was a man, and I was a woman. We met, wouldn't you know it, on the internet. Kids don't try this at home. Almost immediately, I became a lunatic. Did you know that many waters cannot quench love? Did you know that love remembered is love just the same? Did you know that unresolved grief can render you temporarily insane? Did you know that unforgiveness will eat away at your soul, and bitterness will reveal the ugliest parts of you when you least expect it? Did you know that God loves you, children? And His love will compel you to come, yes, even with your ragged heart and dirty mind? I know these things. God is good, and if you are in need of a sudden and unexpected mercy, He will give you one, even if you resist it like the hellcat that you are (I'm a hellcat). More tommorow.

Today, may God love you lavishly.
The Raga D.


Deborah said...

Welcome to the Blogosphere,

I'm hooked and want to find out what happens next.

Romantic love is the most powerful drug on the planet, and North America is a spiritual stronghold for this form of idolatry.

It's unfortunate that our churches, our Christian fellowship, our relationship with God is often too lukewarm to compete with the kind of passion that all the songs on the radio and all the Hollywood movies elevate as the be all and end all of human experience.

For many, "falling in love" with another human being will be one of the only transcendent experiences they will ever have.

If God is only a concept, or a rule-giver in the sky, or someone with whom you only rarely spend time, then this kind of love comes along and your spiritual life is toast, until suffering wakes you up.

So glad that you have survived this to be able to write about it from a perspective of one who knows a far greater love with the One who is always faithful and true.

I read a book that had this as its main point: you will either bring your desires in line with the Truth, or you will bring the truth in line with your desires.

Of course that small "t" truth is no longer truth but justification.


Mahogany-D said...

She writes from the heart, from the soul. She reaches deep within me and stirs something I had pushed so deep I thought I would never feel again. She makes me smile through the tears that are falling down my face, onto my chest, as though they are penetrating my skin and watering that inner part of my heart. She writes as though she's speaking only to me - and yet it's not like that at all. God bless her for her courage to bear her soul in a way some of only wish we could.