Saturday, May 22, 2004
I Loved A Boy
He was an amazing boy. Bright and warm like the sun, and just as beautiful. I remember the first time I saw him. I thought to myself. "He's out of my league. What could he possibly see in me?" Let me tell you, if it starts with you feeling unworthy of him...it's gonna end badly.
He was my first.
I remember that day with startling detail. I was afraid. I had prayed about it, and I knew that it was not the Lord's will. Our love was a green shoot--fragile and newborn. It didn't matter that I loved him fiercely. Sex is a God thing. It is holy and full of mystery that we mere mortals may never fully understand this side of heaven. Things happen in that joining that are complex, and I was not ready for the peril that would assault my soul through that kind of loving before it's time. The night before, all night long the Lord troubled my sleep with nightmares. When the Lord talks to you all night in dreams to warn you of danger ahead, and you fail to heed His call...it's gonna end badly.
He broke my heart.
Rich Mullins writes, "When you love you can walk on water, just don't stumble on the waves". Not only did I stumble I was overcome by them. I nearly drowned, and washed up on the gritty shore of grief, choking and gasping for air. The loss of him, they boy I loved--my sun, devastated my delicate heart. It was two years before the raw and throbbing ache was dulled so that I could bear it. Then I tucked my sorrow deep within my heart. Oh, children of God, don't hide your grief. It will demand release, and the God who loves you, will require you to surrender it to Him.
The boy returned.
Only he was a man, and I was a woman. We met, wouldn't you know it, on the internet. Kids don't try this at home. Almost immediately, I became a lunatic. Did you know that many waters cannot quench love? Did you know that love remembered is love just the same? Did you know that unresolved grief can render you temporarily insane? Did you know that unforgiveness will eat away at your soul, and bitterness will reveal the ugliest parts of you when you least expect it? Did you know that God loves you, children? And His love will compel you to come, yes, even with your ragged heart and dirty mind? I know these things. God is good, and if you are in need of a sudden and unexpected mercy, He will give you one, even if you resist it like the hellcat that you are (I'm a hellcat). More tommorow.
Today, may God love you lavishly.
The Raga D.