Sunday, May 23, 2004

I Loved A Boy, Part 2

That boy! His voice on my phone--a gift, a sudden and unexpected mercy. A grace. The boy I loved on the phone, saying that he loved me. He always loved me! Always will. I was his heart, but he was afraid back then. And I had hurt him, too. He looked for me. For years he asked about me, but that door had closed. And now, my sun had returned illuminating the dark night of our shared history. I had my first love back. This was amazing! He had spoken and the virgin that was lost inside my heart was released. I was 17 again, and broken because I had surrendered all to show him that I loved him. He was 20 again, and was sorry that he hurt me. Oh, sisters, his voice on the phone, filling the fissures in my heart with at long last love. This was healing, and how I cried and cried. It should have been enough. It would have been enough, but there was just one thing.

That virgin was pissed. I didn't know she was that angry. And she and I proceeded to act a fool.

My thoughts became consumed with a singular desire. Return. I wanted that day back, or at least one like it. Give me another--a day for a day. One day with you, baby, I'll settle for two hours. I am not a girl anymore. I am irresistable. I am unbreakable. I will make you want me. Shall we trade? Here is the crippling rejection, give me your lust. Boy of my youth, return with me and I will leave you breathless with wanting. Wanting me. I will leave you...I will leave YOU. Before you leave me.

Uh oh. The heart really is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. At least mine is! "Who can know it?" the scriptures ask. But there was a another presence in my heart, with a passionate interest in that lost and angry virgin. He loved her, too. And He was a jealous lover, and His voice, the Lover of her soul, was saying to her heart, "My beloved, he is not your first love,I AM."

More tommorow, and may you know His tender mercy as I do.
The Raga D.

1 comment:

ginap43 said...

Hi my little peach muffin, I love your website, I create one myself, it's called "ragamuffinsister.blogspot.com (but nothing is on it yet, so don't waste your time looking for something chaming and creative :). I love your writing your expression and feeling spill out over the pages. Not has not forgotten you in the quest for "a home". A home can be an apartment or a cardboard box for some, but it's what you make it. Remember even right were you are, God has given you the ability to make your "house" a home. Change the color of your furniture by using slip covers or add plants or flowers to make the place sunny and bright. I had a house at one time and it was empty as a tomb. But God delivered me from the material, all the matters now is that I have peace... Love you